Some magical fat guy in a red suit thinks he’s coming into your house as he pleases in the middle of the night?! Not on your watch. Here’s what you’ll need to start your own personal War on Christmas.
You’ll See When He’s Approaching
You’d be surprised at how difficult it is to spot a team of flying reindeer with the naked eye. so if you want to get a jump on the old Chimney Creeper, you’ll need to see him coming. Google’s Santa Tracker not only provides a live countdown until The Red One’s departure, but will also provide a live view of his dashboard during the flight. Don’t let the adorably quirky flash animations fool you, it’s more like Santa’s village of the damned.
For up to the minute updates of his location while in-flight, head over to the NORAD Santa Tracking site. If they can spot Russian ICBMs over the arctic circle, they can sure as heck find Santa’s generous girth over the same frozen wastes.
You’ll Know When He Arrives
Unfortunately, most people can’t afford personal radar arrays like the military-grade C550 ground radar system from SpotterRF. It continually scans its surroundings for moving objects then tracks anything it spots with a series of HD cameras. Instead, you’ll have to rely on slightly less robust systems to know when Santa’s about to invade your personal space.
Remote security cameras are a great first line of defence against Santa as they are compact enough to be mounted anywhere on the roof — really, you should install an array to ensure full video coverage of every eave — and even mid-range models now offer HD feeds, wireless control from a mobile device, and both visible and IR imaging options.
The same goes for the interior of your home. Tuck a few Drop Cams discreetly around the fireplace or, if you want to let him know that you’re watching, set up a D-LINK wireless surveillance cam directly opposite the chimney like an electronic Eye of Sauron. You may also want to take the additional measure — I know I would — of setting a couple of laser trip wire traps — one at the top of the chimney, the other at the bottom.
You’ll Hoist Him by His Own Petard
Knowing that a man has somehow squeezed his way into your house like Richard frickin’ Ramirez and is now pawing around your living room is not the same as doing something about it. The area around your tree needs to be a maze of pitfalls and man-traps if you’ve got any hope of capturing this guy. I don’t really know what your rumpus room looks like — I mean, if you want to send a floorplan over, maybe we can work on some ideas or something? — but you should already have an idea of how to best defend your own castle.
You could always power through the Home Alone series if you’re desperate for ideas and need the help of a fictional ten-year-old in your fight against a fictional old man. So long as you aren’t loosing a Temple of Doom boulder when Santa removes his cookies from the pressure plate, there are no bad ideas.
Then Take Selfies and Give High Fives
If Home Alone taught me nothing else, it is that a good defence of one’s home is not complete if you don’t also humiliate your opponent at least just a little bit. So once you have that creepy old hippie captured, caged, or trussed up like a Christmas goose, be sure to whip out your selfie stick (stop acting like you don’t own one) and snap the only Christmas card picture you’ll ever use again.