So you’ve no doubt heard about American cinemas’ near unanimous decision to pull The Interview from theatres. Not to be outdone in cowardice, Paramount is also telling some theatres to not play 2004’s Team America: World Police in its place in deference to our new cultural overlords in Pyongyang.
Since we’ve officially abandoned all reason, we thought we’d help the studios out and ready a list of some other films that we should probably just ban lest we incur the wrath of some unknown hacker group that’s demonstrated no ability to carry out all the threats it throws around. But hey, we wouldn’t want to offend anyone!
Olympus Has Fallen
What?! A film in which a most perfectly planned North Korean plot doesn’t assassinate the leader of the free world? Well, that won’t do at all!
V for Vendetta
Oh man, I hope Kim Jong-Un didn’t see this one! A whole film where an evil and corrupt government is overthrown by the people — all in support of a masked revolutionary. Let’s just act like this one never existed, yes?
Oh jeez, Kim Jung-Il said that 2012 was the year North Korea would “open the grand gates to becoming a rising superpower.” A film basically about how shitty 2012 is probably wouldn’t go over so well. Also, it’s the year 103 in North Korea, based on the birth of Kim Il-Sung, so obviously this movie is just full of lies!
North Korea, especially the tales of its leaders, are basically built on a delicate and intricate web of lies. Did you know that Kim Jung-il shot 38 under par at a golf course in Pyongyang, could talk when he was only 8 weeks old, and also wrote 1500 books in his lifetime? Don’t question it! So it’s no wonder that this dark, dark comedy depicting your inability to tell a lie would be too frightening for NK’s
propaganda unbiased media machine.
A movie depicting the power of sisterhood and showing a heroic film that removes the decades-old yoke of the patriarchal prince charming? I don’t think so! I mean North Korean women just gained the ability to wear trousers, platform shoes, and earrings in 2012. Let’s not push it…
Wait, what is that? A denim jacket?! BANNED. Everyone knows that denim is a sign of American imperialism! John Bender, I’m afraid you won’t do at all. In fact, call Robert Zemeckis, and see if we can’t digitally insert a nice suede jacket on Marty McFly.
Captain America: First Avenger
Oh my, what were you thinking when you made this movie? Everyone knows that the real first Avenger was named the Jonginator who could should lasers from his eyes, swat away bullets like gnats, and crush imperialist dogs. Re-release with the correct first Avenger. Please, and thank you.