So obviously this was going to happen eventually, but that doesn’t mean we’re ready for it. Durex just announced what it’s calling “Fundawear“, which ostensibly stands for “fun underwear” but which Durex believes will eventually come to mean “article of clothing that is fun like once ever and until you realise what horror you’ve wreaked in your pants and never want to talk about it again.”
The undergarments are loaded with touch technology, and are controlled by a smartphone app — an iPhone in the demo videos — that knows what gender your partner is. The app has diagrams of your partner’s crotch, which you drag your finger across to stimulate their actual crotch from wherever you are in the world. Or the bar, since that apparently vibrates too. Newjack remote controlled vibrator gag that no one does in real life because sex things from movies are almost never practical in real life.
Using maths and logic, then, these are for masturbation. Public, shameless masturbation. Sitting on the train looking at your phone? Masturbating. Standing in line for Cold Stone on a sweaty summer day? Masturbating. In class; at work; at weddings; you never have to stop masturbating for the rest of your life.
Next stop: Google Glass.