NSFW: How To Hide Your Porn In Plain Sight

A man's home is his castle; his porn collection, his concubine. You're going to want to keep your secret lover locked away, far from prying, judgmental eyes. Here's how to ensure your spank bank is as secure as the Tower of London.

Lock Down Your Existing Collection

Unless you've hit puberty in just the last six weeks, chances are you've already got a stash. The first order of business is organisation. Gather up the various bits of erotica tucked about your hard drive and dump them all into a single nasty folder. Subdivide this folder by media type, alphabetically, by depraved sex act, whatever.

Next, come up with a naming scheme — sufficiently obfuscated, but not indecipherable. A simple keyword search could immediately blow the lid off your entire Busty Asian Schoolgirl Midget Interracial Gangbang collection. Instead, devise a coding scheme — BASMIG 1, BASMIG 2, and on through 27 or whatever. Subtle and innocuous.

Finally, you can encrypt your stash by creating a password-protected secured drive image. If you're using Mac OS X, open up Disk Utility then create a "new disk image from folder" using the porn as the source. Select the level of encrytion (128 or 256-bit AES), set your password, uncheck the "remember password in my keychain" option. Then generate the image and delete the original, unsecured folder.

If you're running Windows, use a third party archiving program like WinZip. Simply open the program, select Zip My Files, check the Encrypt option and choose your porn folder from the menu. Generate the secured archive and delete the unsecured source folder.

Be An Online Porn Ninja

Surfing and streaming may eliminate the threat of someone finding your local copies, there are still plenty of ways to get caught. First off, stop using Internet Explorer — it's about as secure as a goatse arsehole.

Get a copy of Chrome and familiarise yourself with the Incognito function. This private browsing mode does not record the web addresses of sites visited or the fact that files have been download during the session. It deletes all cookies once the window is closed.

Before you begin, turn off the auto-complete functions on URLs. Log out of your Google account, and don't log in during a session — Chrome will save this history.

Limit Collateral Risk

If you feel the need to pay for porn on the Internet, set up a separate, dedicated checking account for your online purchases. That way you minimise your risk even if the site is hacked and your account information is made public.

Also, as tempting as the ads on porn sites are, resist the urge to click through — such ads are often loaded with malware. And when you're done, clear your browsing history, downloads and cookies. Close the browser completely, and expose all windows just to make sure you didn't forget anything.

Or, If You're Lazy

Move out of your parents' house, save everything to the desktop and place the blame for unexplained stains on "big, scary ghosts".


Comments

    1. Install VirtualBox
    2. Install any Linux distro that your better half doesn't understand into a VM.
    3. Do the naughty stuff in that VM.
    4. No Problem!

      But that would entail installing Linux... too much hassle for too little reward... a sex life is so much more fun.

    Zipping files is painful. Use TrueCrypt or even simpler just make all folders and contents hidden and disable show hidden files in the properties.

      Really painful if you stash is just over 500gb......

    1.Grow some balls.
    2.Tell your SO you're about to have a wank with the porn on your computer
    3. Do

      +10000
      Remove stigmata re masturbation. Do what is natural without feeling like a perv.

        What a perv.

        Masturabate WITH your stigmata. Just like Jesus would do.

          ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

          LOL

    Nb. I don't have an SO anymore and I never listened my own advice.

    I use Internet Explorer for pr0n and I never have issues because years of fixing mistakes on computers owned by net n00b has made me the IE master.

      "You can never be the master of IE.
      IE masters you."
      - Someone Important

        Maybe michael lives in Soviet Russia?

      IE also has inprivate browsing. Same thing as incognito mode.

    There is an alternative: Find out if your other half likes porn, if she/he does? WATCH IT WITH THEM! Its an all points bulletin WIN!

    Until it turns out they're into shit that *really* freaks you out....

    .......or get an ipad and use wifi. Clear history after use. LOL

      or just turn private browsing on ...

    I just made a locker with notepad. Only bad thing is you can just edit the batch file in notepad and get the PW but you just hide it and bang (pun intended) and it hides the size of the folder.

    or not care that everyone watches porn ??

    The goatse arsehole reference to internet explorer made my sides hurt from laughter !

    private browsing x1

    Bit off the subject but check out this '50 shades of grey' generator. very very funny
    http://www.fiftyshadesgenerator.com/

    > Have mac?
    >App store
    > Download Hider
    > Happy happy
    :D

    Hey Ive been seeing that pr0n girl so much at Giz I'd like to get to know her better. Anyone know what movie she is from :o)

    Have your own laptop that no-one elses uses maybe, likewise with a PC? No need to hide anything! Unless it's some really creepy tentacle porn - then you hide that shit, no-one wants to see that.

    get a 2 tb external hard drive...stash it all in there...keep it hidden when not in "use"...

    What is the chick in the photo's name? TELL ME!!!!

    Hide your files in jpeg's. Google the specifics, but you can hide a password protected (or unprotected) zip file inside a jpeg. When somone opens it, all they see is the original jpeg (window photo viewer). When you open with winrar/7zip etc... you enter the password and see all your files. The perfect system. Just dont be stupid and hide 30gb of your "collection" in 1 photo, its a giveaway that something else is up.

    I have a folder labelled "Porn" on my HDD. There are subfolders so that if someone stumbles in there, they can back out again, no harm done. If they *choose* to continue, they could be mentally scarred but it's not as though the videos containing black biker lesbian furry porn were named something innocuous like "BBLFP1" or anything...

    Why no mentions of TOR?

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