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NSFW: How To Hide Your Porn In Plain Sight

A man’s home is his castle; his porn collection, his concubine. You’re going to want to keep your secret lover locked away, far from prying, judgmental eyes. Here’s how to ensure your spank bank is as secure as the Tower of London.

Lock Down Your Existing Collection

Unless you’ve hit puberty in just the last six weeks, chances are you’ve already got a stash. The first order of business is organisation. Gather up the various bits of erotica tucked about your hard drive and dump them all into a single nasty folder. Subdivide this folder by media type, alphabetically, by depraved sex act, whatever.

Next, come up with a naming scheme — sufficiently obfuscated, but not indecipherable. A simple keyword search could immediately blow the lid off your entire Busty Asian Schoolgirl Midget Interracial Gangbang collection. Instead, devise a coding scheme — BASMIG 1, BASMIG 2, and on through 27 or whatever. Subtle and innocuous.

Finally, you can encrypt your stash by creating a password-protected secured drive image. If you’re using Mac OS X, open up Disk Utility then create a “new disk image from folder” using the porn as the source. Select the level of encrytion (128 or 256-bit AES), set your password, uncheck the “remember password in my keychain” option. Then generate the image and delete the original, unsecured folder.

If you’re running Windows, use a third party archiving program like WinZip. Simply open the program, select Zip My Files, check the Encrypt option and choose your porn folder from the menu. Generate the secured archive and delete the unsecured source folder.

Be An Online Porn Ninja

Surfing and streaming may eliminate the threat of someone finding your local copies, there are still plenty of ways to get caught. First off, stop using Internet Explorer — it’s about as secure as a goatse arsehole.

Get a copy of Chrome and familiarise yourself with the Incognito function. This private browsing mode does not record the web addresses of sites visited or the fact that files have been download during the session. It deletes all cookies once the window is closed.

Before you begin, turn off the auto-complete functions on URLs. Log out of your Google account, and don’t log in during a session — Chrome will save this history.

Limit Collateral Risk

If you feel the need to pay for porn on the Internet, set up a separate, dedicated checking account for your online purchases. That way you minimise your risk even if the site is hacked and your account information is made public.

Also, as tempting as the ads on porn sites are, resist the urge to click through — such ads are often loaded with malware. And when you’re done, clear your browsing history, downloads and cookies. Close the browser completely, and expose all windows just to make sure you didn’t forget anything.

Or, If You’re Lazy

Move out of your parents’ house, save everything to the desktop and place the blame for unexplained stains on “big, scary ghosts”.