Finding love online isn’t easy. The prospect of meeting Mr. or Ms. Right seems to turn everyone into porn star used car salesmen. Luckily for you, dear dater, Vice’s Brian Moylan knows exactly what everyone’s lying about in this tongue-in-cheek guide.
That’s tongue-in-cheek, as in satirical, as in we whole-heartedly embrace online dating and say go get some. This is just a fun look at some folks you might meet along the way.
Romantic relationships are just a litany of lies. “Sure, I’d love to see a Katherine Heigl movie.” “We’re just, like, you know, friends.” But before you shack up with a partner and the pants are really on fire, we have to get through that festering sore of omissions, obfuscations, half-truths, and fabrications that is the online dating profile. To make life easier, I’m going to break down the biggest lies that everyone tells on their profiles. You’ve been warned.
Many pictures are absolute bullshit. But, like unhappy families, they’re bullshit in their own way. There are a lot like this one, which is so vague and washed out that the girl’s face might as well be a blank Etch-a-Sketch (that’s not gonna turn anyone’s knobs), and then there are the guys whose photos only contain hats and cut off right before the hairline (bald), the ones with woefully out-of-date clothing (old), the girl who only shoots herself from the breasts up (fat), and the pictures that look like they’re reproductions of screen grabs from a Geocities site circa 1998 (bald/old/fat/serial killer). Everyone is trying to look their best, so they’re editing pictures that will present some ideal version of themselves that either never existed or is long gone. Only believe the nastiest picture in the profile, and multiply that picture by a factor of two in terms of ugliness. That’s what will show up at your front door.
More people think that their musical preferences are what others will reference when deciding if they are cool, educated, expansive, and generally with it. Therefore, filling out the musical interests section on dating sites is like making a mix-tape for a deaf person, because it is all a pack of lies. And if they say, like this guy, that they ‘like everything’, then they are the blandest, most milquetoast person imaginable who won’t cop to their complete collection of Eminem singles and Dave Matthews bootlegs. Seriously, when is they listened to Mozart when not riding in an elevator or sitting on hold? And there is no way one person likes every hip band. They don’t all go together.
This one is a bit tricky, because some sites don’t require members to list their weight in actual pounds. Instead, they let them play with reality by picking ‘slender,’ ‘full-figured,’ ‘must be removed from apartment by crane’ or some other silly adjective from a pull-down menu. These are all subjective. Just because a guy lists his body as ‘athletic’ and then shows up with a gut the size of the Japanese GDP doesn’t mean he was lying. After all, sumo wrestling is a sport. Look at this girl, she lists herself as ‘slender’ but doesn’t show a picture of herself below the neck. Danger, danger Will Robinson! She might be slender. That’s what you’re signing up for.
If everyone who says they ‘love museums’ and ‘go to them all the time’ were telling the truth, every museum in the world would look like shopping centres during mega sales. Saying they love museums is like saying they love Christmas, because both happen only once a year. No one goes to museums unless they have family in town or they’re on some bullshit date trying to impress someone with how awesome and cultured they are (or if there’s a new Star Wars exhibit). Just say you like to watch TV. That’s actually true and will make you a lot cooler.
Because so many profile pictures are taken without anyone else in the frame, it’s hard to get a perspective on just how tall a guy is. Take this gentleman, who is selling himself as a slightly-below-average 5’9″, but who has conveniently failed to post any pictures of himself below the shoulder. He says 5’9″ but best she wear flats, because he’s gonna show up at 5’7″; while wearing lifts. Just subtract 2 inches from every guy’s profile. This is also true of women over 5’8″ who want to appear shorter to get a man. Can it, ladies. There has to be someone out there with an Attack of the 50-Foot Woman fetish.
Dating websites are like reality shows: no one is there to make friends. If these singletons wanted friends they’d volunteer or join a social sports team or buy a dog or something. They would not go on a site where people are trying to get laid or get married or get a new strain of HPV. These passive-aggressive singletons actually want you to hit on them so they can say, “Oh, no. Me? No! I’m just looking for friends,” before they fall into bed with you on the first date. Do you really want to start a relationship with someone who lies just to get attention?
If you’re just looking for a fling, that’s a different conversation.
Saying guys lie about the length of their penis is like saying they also like sex. Even a guy with 11 inches claims he has an entire foot. That’s how we’re built. This is just so expected that I wouldn’t trust a guy who doesn’t give himself some fluff in the below-the-belt stats. There’s gotta be something seriously wrong with that arsehole.