Apple
You totally care more about design and user experience than any other major tech company in the world, and, by and large, make the best products for real humans. That’s great! (Amazing, really, since nobody else seems to be able to do it.) But I promise that you can be 20 per cent less of a dick and still make great, beautifully designed products. Also, there’s this thing called the internet; I hear you discovered it recently, and I’m really happy to hear that. I hope it’s true. Oh, and iTunes really sucks balls. You should fix that.
Apple Press
Congrats! Your company won. You are correct, like you always predicted you would be. You can be less of a smug dick now too.
You’re incredibly adept at collecting and sorting massive chunks of the world’s information. I’d probably die before going back to life before your mostly excellent internet services — namely Search and Gmail and Maps. They make my life better, for the most part. But why can’t you design a phone or tablet or anything social that’s actually easy for real people to use? If I had to choose between giving my mum an Android phone or a pair of tin cans with a string behind them, she’d be stuck carrying very large purses for the next five years. Let some living, breathing people design your products. Just once! It might blow you away. Like Google+!
Microsoft
The most mind-blowing thing in technology right now is your inability to make products that people love (with very few exceptions). Brilliant, creative people work for you, and they have seriously incredible ideas. You have more money than Jesus Christ’s rich uncle. I have these crazy high expectations, these hopes that you’ll blow me away and you totally let me down. Just try making something other than an Xbox that I can fall madly in love with, and that more than five other people will buy because you didn’t wait until three years after the rest of the market to launch it? Please? Also: I can’t believe you won’t have a real tablet until 2012. I guess we can use it to liveblog the end of civilisation. It better be so good Jesus Christ himself rides down to earth on it, if you’re going to take that long. People like Skype, though, and Windows 8 looks alright maybe, so good job there. I guess.
Amazon
The only thing I haven’t purchased from Amazon Prime is a house. And blow. But using your video or music or apps service is like hunting through a bag of dicks for the movie I want to watch. Hire like a designer, or six.
Netflix
I wanna marry you. But make your iPad app less shitty first.
Why aren’t your chips in phones? That’s like, dumb.
Nerds
You know more about technology than anybody else, and anybody who knows less than you is a total dipshit. I love you for that. But normal people deserve wonderful technology too. And half the shit you call computing–running custom ROMs, reinstalling OSes, f**king with network settings — is like a chef sharpening his knives over and over and calling that cooking. Real computing is the actual stuff you do — cutting videos, editing photos, writing. Or at least it should be. Not the shit people do to make all of that work.
A lot of other companies
I really hate the way you cede so much ground to Apple. You just let them do the shit they do. Why couldn’t you launch a decent tablet before the iPad? Why are your tablets still shittier than the iPad, for the most part? Why do your laptops still, by and large, look and feel crappier than MacBook Pros? (Exception: ThinkPads.) Why are most of your phones the same way? Does Apple have some secret monopoly on making well-designed, well-constructed, easy-to-use gadgets? I want to love your products. I really really really do. Just make amazing shit. That’s the only rule. Make. Amazing. Shit.
Image: Shutterstock.com/Radim Strojek
Sicarius123
Saturday, August 20, 2011 at 4:05 PMLove the Nerds one, nerds don’t value user experience anywhere near as much as they value power computing!
EckyThump
Saturday, August 20, 2011 at 4:09 PMMatt I think I love you,.. Just don’t tell my wife..! #]
Stephen
Saturday, August 20, 2011 at 5:11 PMNerds: Nope, normal people can get stuffed.
And who was Jesus Christ’s rich uncle?
Atomsk
Saturday, August 20, 2011 at 5:50 PMLove it, sometimes the truth hurts.
I really do need to stop sharpening my knives and start cooking.
TSH
Monday, August 22, 2011 at 10:18 AMASUS Transformer > iPad
Mike
Monday, August 22, 2011 at 12:36 PMThough *technically* you’re wrong.
Me f**king with my network settings, making custom scripts, reinstalling my flux capacitor, etc etc is like a chef sharpening his knives, clearing his workbench, stocking ingredients. When it comes time to work I’m 100% prepared and could take on Heston f**king Blumenthal.
/nerd rant
Parker
Tuesday, August 23, 2011 at 1:41 PMAndroid phones aren’t hard to use, people have just be coddled with Apple tech that’s so simple 5 year olds can use it.
Parker
Tuesday, August 23, 2011 at 1:45 PM“Does Apple have some secret monopoly on making well-designed, well-constructed, easy-to-use gadgets?”
Yes. Yes they do. If anyone dares to make anything rectangular and flat with a touch screen they can count the hours until they get slapped with an infringment notice.
No one is here
Friday, August 26, 2011 at 3:51 PMGuys, Apple OS is not easy to use, you are just used to it. Think about it.
We had a 4 year old playing Halo in a LAN party, connecting to the networked game and kicking everyone’s ass. And that was about 5 years ago before the iPhone became what it is now.
My dad found his old Nokia phone easier to use then his iPod at first.
Don’t diss tech because you’re too lazy to understand it. Take a break, go breath some fresh air outside. Enjoy the scenery instead of blaming your camera.
Get real!