I Sat On A $US6400 Toilet And It Changed My Life

Let’s get one thing straight – Kohler’s Numi toilet isn’t for you. Unless you’re a Saudi oil sheik, lottery winner, or generally filthy rich person, you won’t be considering a toilet that costs half a year’s rent. But it’s spectacular.

The Numi sticks every conceivable luxury into one pisser. Things you didn’t even think you needed – and things you definitely don’t need – a foot warmer, radio, auxiliary audio input, ambient lights. And all controlled by a touchscreen mini-tablet with a 6m range. Why would you ever need to control your toilet from 6m away brings up a series of nightmare scenarios that are hard for me to express right now, but good to know, just in case.

But beyond the decadence, there’s some really great design ($6,400′s worth, I’m not so sure, but still). A motion detector, indicated by a blue spotlight, allows you to raise and lower the seat with a foot-tap—a victory for all of lazy mankind. But it’s also hygienic! As is the automatic flush, which’ll kick in varying power levels depending on the amount of time you’ve been sitting. And the lid? Also controlled without grabbing anything but the touchscreen. It’s a germaphobe’s delight. This all might be old hat in Japan, but it’s nice to ol’ Uncle Sam catching up in the great Commode Race.

I will admit, sitting on a toilet that costs more than anything I’ve ever owned in my life, sliding its bidet settings with ease as rap blares in the background—I didn’t want to leave toilet land and return to a life in which hot air can’t be blown up my arse with a touchpad swipe. A lesser world.