"I love the dumb notch! And the face-scanning thing I don't want! The iPhone X is exactly the kind of absurd luxury good I crave," you say, having not even scratched the diamond-encrusted surface of true decadence. Sit right there like the tiny, foolish baby you are and I'll tell you about an even newer, more exciting bauble, the likes of which have not been seen since Nordstrom's leather-wrapped stone.