This week Microsoft teased the idea of resurrecting Clippy. So I’m taking this opportunity to remind you that someone once wrote and published erotica about the 90s Office assistant.
Yes, you read that correctly. There’s an erotic short story called Conquered by Clippy available on Kindle. And you better believe I paid the $3.99 for it.
Published in 2015, it’s not new. But I figured you all either needed a reminder, or to be introduced if you’d missed it the first time around.
At around 4,000 words its just one of many erotic stories written by author Leonard Delaney. Other titles they have written include Coaxed by the Copyright Page, Ridden by Uber and Taken by the Tetris Blocks.
Conquered by Clippy tells the tale of Christie Aackerlund, a fiercely independent woman who doesn’t need assistance with anything ever — see where this is going?
She’s commissioned by Phil Gates (yes, really) from CONTOSO to help identify a crash site containing alleged ancient artifacts his company has discovered. She is an expert in this area, after writing about her encounters with the aforementioned Tetris Blocks.
“We are impressed by your relationships with inanimate objects and ability to communicate using words,” Gates’ letter reads in the story.
She’s up for it and Gates picks her up in a helicopter that he’s also piloting, because of course.
Suffice to say the pair discover that it is not an alien artifact buried in the rubble, but Clippy. Despite consistently offering to assist with things, Christie is having none of it. Perhaps my favourite interaction is when Phil Gates tries to get fresh.
“Looks like an awkward romantic situation… can I assist in getting this guy off you?”
Christie only acquiesces to Cassistance after Phil Gate violently dies and she and Clippy decide to get it on.
I’m sorry about this, but if I had to read this line, so do you:
“Assist me deeper!”
You’re just lucky I’m not describing the nitty gritty because folks, it gets real graphic.
Look, it’s not the best erotica I’ve read, but it’s certainly not the worst. The cheeky Microsoft references are pretty funny, as was the sex scene.
And while the logistics of having sex with an anthropomorphic paperclip certainly are confronting, they get points for thinking outside the box.