13 Goofy Star Wars Aliens Who Deserve to Be Goofy Jedi

13 Goofy Star Wars Aliens Who Deserve to Be Goofy Jedi
God help us. (Image: Lucasfilm/Wizards of the Coast)

For over a thousand generations, the Jedi Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic. Then they fucked it all up. Hard. No matter which era of the Star Wars movies you’re looking at, the Jedi could badly need some new blood. Why not make it extremely new blood? There’s still a bevy of alien races throughout the galaxy who never seem to have gotten a seat on the Jedi council. Here are a few that could use the prestige — and the lightsaber.

1) Ewoks

Let’s start with the obvious. Long before the prequels and sequels gave Star Wars fans newer things to gripe about, Ewoks were hated for being Neolithic teddy bears who somehow toppled the entirety of the vastly overpowered Galactic empire. But if the Ewoks can manage that, there’s absolutely no reason why an Ewok couldn’t also be Force-sensitive enough to join the Jedi. To be fair, there was a solitary, unnamed Ewok Jedi in the old Legends canon, although only barely; he existed as a mere picture in the Geonosis and the Outer Rim Worlds sourcebook for the Star Wars

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2) Pa’lowicks

Image: Lucasfilm Image: Lucasfilm

You might not know the species name, but you know Sy Snootles, the bulbous lead singer of the Max Rebo Band until she was upstaged in the Return of the Jedi: Special Edition the Yuzzum/rejected Honeycomb monster Joh Yowza. Pa’lowicks are among Star Wars’ gawkiest aliens, so it would be a blast to see one in a lightsaber duel, particularly how it avoids slicing their giant proboscis off in battle.

3) Gamorreans

Image: Lucasfilm Image: Lucasfilm

Now that Dungeons & Dragons is grappling with its “Hey, maybe it’s messed up to say an entire species of sentient creatures are uniformly evil” problem, it’s time for Star Wars to do the same. Among the most maligned aliens in the franchise are the Gamorreans, some of whom are seen in Return of the Jedi as Jabba’s guards, who are described as primitive, violence-prone barbarians with poor hygiene habits. Giving one a pair of clean Jedi robes and a green lightsaber would go a long way to rehabilitating their galactic image.

4) Iakaru

Image: Lucasfilm Image: Lucasfilm

If you don’t recognise the name of this Star Wars alien species, don’t stress; they were only introduced in Rogue One, and only one Iakaran managed to make it onscreen anyway. His name was Bistan, and he made a very brief appearance as one of the many, many Rebels who died on Scarif while Jyn Erso and her crew snagged the Death Star plans. Thanks to his little space suit, Bistan looks like an alternate universe version of Rocket Raccoon where an adorable chimp managed to become a Marvel movie superstar instead. The Jedi have a real dearth of monkeys in spacesuits, which should be corrected post-haste.

5) B’omarr Monks

Image: Lucasfilm/Hasbro Image: Lucasfilm/Hasbro

We don’t know if these brains-in-spider-droids are all of one species or multiple aliens, we only know they’re a mysterious cult that hangs around Jabba’s palace on Tatooine and, um, enjoy putting their brains in spider-droid bodies to better concentrate on contemplating the mysteries of the universe. Although real droids are soulless automatons, the B’omarr monks are cyborgs, and should probably still have access to the natural magic of the Force through their meat-brains. Imagine how entertainingly creepy it would be to see a giant robot spider wielding one or more lightsabers in a fight! It would be like General Grievous, if General Grievous hadn’t been garbage.

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6) Kitonaks

Image: Lucasfilm Image: Lucasfilm

These bipedal beanbag chairs were represented in Return of the Jedi by Droopy McCool, the alias of the noted jizz-wailing musician known by about eight hardcore fans as Snit, another member of the charmingly goofy-looking Max Rebo band. He looks like the bloated corpse of a Pigs in Space Muppet, and I mean that in the most adorable way possible. Because the Expanded Universe was so thoroughly expanded over the decades before it was cancelled, there was also one Kitonak who briefly appeared as a Jedi trainee in an old Expanded Universe post-RotJ novel, but really, it’s Droopy who deserves to be a Jedi. His “chindinakyu flute” could double as a secret lightsaber hilt, which would be completely ridiculous, but “Jizz-Wailer by Day, Jedi by Night” is a Star Wars Story just begging to be told.

7) Anzellans

A.k.a the Babu Friks. The most adorable part of The Rise of Skywalker, Babu Frik is an eight-inch-tall member of an almost completely unknown race of aliens (fleshing out the Anzellans doesn’t seem to be high on Lucasfilm’s priority list). Apparently, the original idea for Babu Frik and his people was that they were all super-mechanics who helped repair Star Destroyers thanks to their small size and microscoping eyes, which evolved into Babu becoming a C-3PO’s master repair-being. I would pay good Imperial credits to watch an Anzellan with a four-inch-long lightsaber duel a full-sized human.

8) The Decraniated

Image: Lucasfilm Image: Lucasfilm

If I may get real for a moment, I fucking hate the Decraniated. I get they’re meant to be disturbing, but the fact that they seem to be all attractive women who have had their brains removed and lipstick applied makes them the grossest thing in the Star Wars universe to me, especially since they’re primarily seen as unwilling servants to Dryden Vos in Solo. So I would really, really like for one of these poor souls to regain her mind, her autonomy, and her desire for justice by putting to a stop to Dr. Evazan, the surly New Hope bar patron and fucking monster who made them, preferably in a way so violent and painful it would technically be flirting with the Dark Side.

9) Wermals

Image: Lucasfilm Image: Lucasfilm

On the lighter side of the Light Side of the Force, look at this dopey motherfucker who appeared ever-so-briefly in The Last Jedi’s Canto Bight scene. This particular Wermal is a vaporator seller named Kedpin Shoklop who, according to the Canto Bight short story collection — meaning this is completely canon — rigged and won the “Vaporator Salesbeing of the Year” competition, thus earning his trip to the casino city. This nefarious deception probably rules Kedpin out as a Jedi, but it would have been great to have had a Wermal Jedi in the prequel trilogy if only so it could make that constantly dismayed, freaked-out face while everything in the galaxy was going to hell.

 10) Hutts

Image: Lucasfilm/Del Rey Image: Lucasfilm/Del Rey

Like the Gamorreans, Hutts suffer from the same gross prejudice that their entire race is evil, probably because whenever they show up in any piece of Star Wars media they are, in fact, evil as hell, and almost always as crime lords. (The sole exception is Stinky the Hutt, the baby from the first, fucking terrible 2008 Clone Wars movie). They’re so evil, in fact, that when a Hutt named Beldorian managed to become a Jedi in the Expanded Universe, he eventually fell to the Dark Side and conquered a planet until he was eventually killed by Leia “Huttslayer” Organa. Doesn’t the new Star Wars canon have room somewhere for a single giant space slug with noble intentions?

11) Balosars

I may be cheating a bit here since Wookiepedia lists a Balosar as a guard at the Jedi Temple in Coruscant during Revenge of the Sith. However, this is in the Legends section — although how it could be part of the Expanded Universe if it’s directly in the movie seems impossible — but even if the dude is real, this unknown, unnamed, unremarkable Jedi does not make up for Star Wars’ highest-profile Balosar, the deathstick-dealing E’lan Sleazebaggano. Thanks to E’lan, virtually all Balosars were painted as criminals and/or addicts back in the EU, although they had one non-negative trait in that their highly sensitive antennae gave the Balosars a sort of danger-detecting Spidey sense, which sometimes gave them the appearance of being Force-sensitive. In the new canon, it’s just E’lan and his deathsticks, which means the young Balosar of the galaxy could badly use someone to look up to.

12) Bendu

So, Bendu is weird, and not just because it’s a giant rock-moose-thing. When Ezra and Kana meet it in Rebels, the Bendu is a true neutral in the battle between the Light Side of the Force and the Dark Side, apparently a firm believer of the obnoxious “being half evil is reasonable and ok” philosophy. While it sorta befriended the two Jedi and parsed out a few cryptic clues on their path to self-enlightenment, it also got extremely angry when Kanan and Ezra called it out for not picking a side in the Rebellion versus Empire war when it encroached upon the creature’s home planet. In fact, Bendu got so angry it created a giant storm that took out ships and troops on both sides, and nearly killed the Jedi, too. There’s no telling what a Bendu would do if it got its giant hands on what would presumably be a tree-sized lightsaber, but chances are it would be pretty awesome to watch.

13) Lanais

Gif: Lucasfilm Gif: Lucasfilm

These adorably grumpy, chicken-legged aliens were seen in The Last Jedi as caretakers of the remains of the first Jedi temple on Ahch-to, and caretakers of the remains of the even grumpier Luke Skywalker during his self-imposed exile/pity party after RotJ. Director Rian Johnson wanted them to be nun-like, but their constant aggravation with the humans living among them was both obvious and entertaining and deserving of being enjoyed far beyond a single planet. Let one Lanai have studied the temple’s secrets instead of merely sweeping up and send her off-world to start taking care of the galaxy instead. Lord knows it needs it.