Now that I’ve finally got the Changli in my hands, the cheapest new electric car you can buy on Alibaba and, likely, the world (which is sort of like Alibaba but with more oceans), it’s time to start to properly customise the already sublime look of the thing. And, as anyone who knows anything at all about motor vehicles can tell you, the only proper first step is to announce your car’s identity via a carefully-curated selection of things for Calvin to urinate on. And I believe I’ve got just the right set.
I need to thank Kenneth Larson, the man who took this idle musing from one of the Changli articles
“I wonder if I can buy a Calvin peeing on a Jiangsu Xinling sticker anywhere?”
…and, with his personal vinyl cutter, made it a glorious reality.
I have three Calvin-peeing stickers on the Changli, each highlighting a key element of Changli pride of ownership. First, we have the original request, Calvin peeing on the Xinling logo. I sort of randomly decided that, among the innumerable makers of these Chinese low-speed electric vehicles, Xinling was Changli’s biggest rival, the Chevy to Changli’s Ford, or vice-versa, depending on whichever one you’d rather push than drive.
For all I know Xinling and Changli may be part of the same gigantic vehicle-producing conglomerate operating out of Jiangsu Province, but, as far as I’m concerned, I’d rather push a Changli than drive a Xinling, any day of the week, and I need the people around me to be very, very aware of that.
I think this accomplishes that.
On the opposite side window, I feel like I need to make abundantly clear how much of a better deal a Changli is than some absurdly overpriced golf cart with no roof or windows or backup camera or heater or back seat or any of the many, many incredible wonders the Changli offers. And golf carts start at nearly eight grand. That’s some serious bullshit, and I need something on my Changli to convey this complex concept.
Thankfully, I now do:
I’m actually being quite generous here; I’m portraying Calvin micturating onto a golf cart with a roof, but the entry-level EZ-Go Freedom RXV Electric doesn’t even have a roof, which would mean the unfortunate occupants of such an overpriced joke would be showered in golden, redolent, Calvin urine.
The final sticker is the pièce de résistance, in that it should make the most powerful statement. Kenneth provided me this one in a slightly different format, on a red circular backing, a red that happened to match the Changli’s rich, scarlet paint nearly perfectly.
I chose to situate it between the boundary of window and body at the rear, both to emphasise the visual impact and to not remove a good 25 per cent of my rear visibility. Here it is:
Yes, yes, look at that, Tesla stans! Gaze into that red disc of humiliation, Elon, and bow before the one and one-tenth electric horses that power my glorious Changli chariot!
That Calvin, he doesn’t suffer fools or sub-par electric vehicles, and he makes his displeasure and contempt known, clearly and unashamedly, via a torrent of piping-hot cartoon boy urine that flows, powerfully and unendingly, via his cartoon ureter and out his cartoon meatus, creating a golden, glistening arch of shame that will splash, carefree and confident, all over the curved upper panel of that stake-like “T.”
Yes, yes, gaze upon that, you smug-arse Model 3 drivers! Wave your Falcon Doors up and down fecklessly, you Model X-owning fools, as my Changli boldly reminds you of What The Deal Is: Changli pisses on you!
At some point I do think it’s possible that an actual, in-reality Tesla owner/stan may perhaps feel just a bit of irritation and perhaps even anger as they see this affront affixed to my tiny, absurd vehicle.
That will be a glorious day indeed.