Head Of Russian Orthodox Church Warns Big Data Will Usher In The Antichrist And, Well, Hmm

Head Of Russian Orthodox Church Warns Big Data Will Usher In The Antichrist And, Well, Hmm

The devil is in the downloads, says Patriarch Kirill of Moscow, the leader of the Russian Orthodox Church. In a recent interview with the state-run Russia-1 TV network, Kirill warned that smart devices like cell phones and social networks could enable the rise of Satan’s chosen and the rule of darkness until the end times.

“Every time you use your gadget, whether you like it or not, whether you turn on your location or not, somebody can find out exactly where you are, exactly what your interests are and exactly what you are scared of,” Kirill said, according to the BBC (which noted that he is a close ally of Russian President Vladimir Putin, who has restricted internet freedoms). Per the Moscow Times, Kirill continued to warn against “falling into slavery” to smartphones and that user data like “location, interests and fears” could allow any potential forthcoming Antichrist to control the entire global population and cause “the apocalypse.”

You know, exactly that kind of over-the-top rhetoric that actually makes more and more sense until you force it out of your head and return to blogging on Kinja, one of the innumerable platforms on the web that could potentially help fuel the rise of… no… That’s unthinkable.

Yes. Unthinkable. It has to be.

“Control from a single point is a harbinger of the coming of the Antichrist,” Kirill added, obviously not referring to Kinja until you remember that every public website can be crawled by search bots, and Kinja accounts themselves can be connected to others on Facebook, Twitter, and Google, which interlink with countless other platforms that… Oh.

Some more choice quotes from the Times, which should keep you busy while I reassure myself that this article could not possibly be part of—unknown even to me or my editors—some dark, tenebrous conspiracy to identify and cull any potential future opponents of the archfiend:

“The Antichrist is a personality that will be at the head of the world wide web controlling the entire human race. Thus, the structure itself presents a danger,” he said.

The church leader stressed that “if we don’t want to bring the apocalypse closer, there should be no single [control and access] center.”

Obviously, this is all nonsense that you should… huh… That’s weird. I never noticed that my webcam light has been on this whole time.

[Moscow Times]