When it comes to informed consumption, online user reviews can be pretty damn meaningless. Amazon products are chock full of paid approbations. Movies, TV and games – god forbid they become a source of controversy – have had their crowdsourced ratings intentionally tanked by the sore and sour. Unless you’re trying to figure out whether that suspiciously cheap gadget will catch fire (it will), it’s a mug’s game.
Photo: Justin Sullivan (Getty)
But what about the outside world, that great big everywhere thing that isn’t for sale? Google Reviews, the empowering social tool that allows you to anonymously curse out a cafe for refusing to write the name “Poopballs” on your coffee cup, can be used to assess plenty of non-consumer Earth stuff too. I’m taking about nature, baby! People on Google Reviews can, and have, reviewed nature. Finally, the masses can hold the Gulf of Saint Lawrence to account.
“But you said user reviews are trash,” I hear you say. First, allow yourself to have a little fun, for once. Secondly, I choose to believe these reviews are a little more accurate, because it takes a special type of yahoo to waste their time writing things that aren’t true about a goddamn mesa.
So without any more screwing around, here are some types of nature, ranked from most to least bad. In the event of a tied score, I put them in whatever order seemed right, because it’s my blog post and let’s be honest, if you were going to look all this crap up, you would have done it already.
World Oceans
- Southern, 3.2 out of 5 stars
- Arctic, 3.4 out of 5 stars
- Pacific, 3.6 out of 5 stars
- Atlantic, 3.9 out of 5 stars
- Indian, 4.3 out of 5 stars
Sample review of the victor:
Screenshot: Google
Always good to admit your mistakes. Moving on!
Great Lakes
- Michigan, 4.5 out of 5 stars
- Erie, 4.5 out of 5 stars
- Ontario, 4.5 out of 5 stars
- Superior, 4.6 out of 5 stars
- Huron, 4.7 out of 5 stars
A tight race, but it looks like Lake “Superior” wrote checks its arse couldn’t cash.
Sample review of the victor:
Screenshot: Google
Major Mountain Ranges
- Barisan, 3.2 out of 5 stars
- Serra do Mar, 3.3 out of 5 stars
- Taurus, 3.6 out of 5 stars
- Eastern Highlands, 3.7 out of 5 stars
- Vindhya, 3.8 out of 5 stars
- Drakensberg, 4.0 out of 5 stars
- Zagros, 4.0 out of 5 stars
- Atlas, 4.1 out of 5 stars
- Himalayas, 4.2 out of 5 stars
- Southern Alps, 4.2 out of 5 stars
- Aravalli, 4.2 out of 5 stars
- Andes, 4.2 out of 5 stars
- Brooks, 4.3 out of 5 stars
- Western Ghats, 4.3 out of 5 stars
- Apennine, 4.4 out of 5 stars
- Sierra Madre Occidental, 4.5 out of 5 stars
- Alps, 4.5 out of 5 stars
- Rocky, 4.6 out of 5 stars
- Ural, 4.6 out of 5 stars
- Carpathian, 4.6 out of 5 stars
- Caucasus, 4.6 out of 5 stars
- Cascade, 4.7 out of 5 stars
- Balkan, 4.7 out of 5 stars
- Mantiqueira, 4.7 out of 5 stars
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Annamite, 4.8 out of 5 stars
By a hair, and with a meagre nine (9!) reviews total, the Annamites take the crown. Congrats Laos, Vietnam, and parts of Cambodia.
Totally baffling review of the runner-up:
Screenshot: Google
Rivers (Just the Pretty Big Ones)
- Nelson, 3.6 out of 5 stars
- Yangtze, 3.7 out of 5 stars
- Congo, 3.7 out of 5 stars
- Niger, 3.7 out of 5 stars
- Japura, 3.7 out of 5 stars
- Yellow, 3.8 out of 5 stars
- Amazon, 3.9 out of 5 stars
- Mekong, 3.9 out of 5 stars
- Euphrates, 4.0 out of 5 stars
- Salween, 4.0 out of 5 stars
- Rio Grande, 4.0 out of 5 stars
- Pilcomayo, 4.0 out of 5 stars
- Indus, 4.2 out of 5 stars
- Nile, 4.2 out of 5 stars
- Paraguay, 4.2 out of 5 stars
- Zambezi, 4.2 out of 5 stars
- Madeira, 4.2 out of 5 stars
- Brahmaputra, 4.2 out of 5 stars
- Amur, 4.2 out of 5 stars
- Mississippi, 4.2 out of 5 stars
- Panj, 4.2 out of 5 stars
- Murray, 4.3 out of 5 stars
- Jurua, 4.3 out of 5 stars
- Syr Darya, 4.4 out of 5 stars
- Ishim, 4.4 out of 5 stars
- Saint Lawrence, 4.5 out of 5 stars
- Parana, 4.5 out of 5 stars
- Tocantins, 4.5 out of 5 stars
- Danube, 4.5 out of 5 stars
- Padma, 4.5 out of 5 stars
- Ob, 4.5 out of 5 stars
- Ural, 4.5 out of 5 stars
- Vilyuy, 4.5 out of 5 stars
- Lena, 4.5 out of 5 stars
- Purus, 4.5 out of 5 stars
- Yukon, 4.5 out of 5 stars
- Yenisei, 4.6 out of 5 stars
- Sao Francisco, 4.6 out of 5 stars
- Araguaia, 4.6 out of 5 stars
- Kolyma, 4.6 out of 5 stars
- Volga, 4.6 out of 5 stars
- Katun, 4.9 out of 5 stars
- Nizhnyaya Tunguska, 4.9 out of 5 stars
- Argun, 5.0 out of 5 stars
Even though the Argun floated to first on the strength of a single review (“a nice place”), rivers were a total sweep by Russia, which took all five top slots.
Sample review of the worst major river on Earth, Canada’s Nelson River:
Screenshot: Google
So there you have it: If you must go outside, these are the four places you can go that complete strangers vouch for as Good Nature.