20 Reasons The Last Jedi Can Never Be Worse Than The Prequels

Some people, myself included, loved The Last Jedi. A lot of people hated it. That's fine!

Everyone's entitled to their opinions - I hated Rogue One, after all, but I'm happy for those who got enjoyment from it. But when people say The Last Jedi is 'worse than the prequels' I have to question things because really, have you guys seen those movies recently?

I finished up 2017 with pain and suffering this year by re-watching the prequel trilogy back-to-back, and let me tell you: there's no way these movies are better in any way than The Last Jedi, no matter how much you dislike porgs. Let's recap. Here are 20 reasons why the Star Wars prequels are super bad and everyone just needs some perspective.


1. Those terrible racial stereotypes

The movie literally opens on Nute Gunray, the Gumby-looking alien Viceroy of the Trade Federation who just happens to have an insultingly stereotypical Asian-esque accent. Because he's an evil... trade... something.

Seriously this movie opens with some pretty dense stuff about trade and taxes that I don't think anyone has ever cared about. As a kid I had no idea what was going on there, and as an adult I don't care enough to decipher it. Next!


2. Jar Jar Binks

Yes, he's the obvious butt of the joke, but it's easy to forget the fact that he appears in pretty much the first ten minutes of The Phantom Menace from within a sea of plasticky CG animals running from plasticky CG droid tanks. The effects in this movie do not stand up. Were they rendered on a Nintendo 64?

From this point onwards, we're stuck with Jar Jar Binks forever (spoilers: they don't kill him off) and I don't think I need to convince you how awful he is.


3. That's not how the Force works

What really stuck out during this rewatch was just how keen George Lucas was to show everyone his cool Force tricks. Almost every battle scene has a shot where one of the Jedi uses a force push to knock over a bunch of droids, intercut in a way that really slows the action down. I don't get it. It's not really badass to just... push someone over.

The first Force push in the trilogy became a bit of a meme back in the day, but it's certainly not the only one in the films. Then add in all the times Jedi use the force for mundane things like opening and closing doors or, you know, Anakin force-floating Padme's pear (which she's trying to eat with a knife and fork for some reason) across a table only to cut it THE WRONG WAY and then send it back. The Force is sacred, guys.


4. Yippee!

Okay guys it's about to get cool, we're going to meet young Darth Vader. Wait... that's him? That creepy little blonde kid who's already hit on Padme twice despite the fact that he hasn't even hit puberty yet? Okay.

Also can we accept that maybe Qui-Gon is not a great person? He literally steals Anakin's blood to test it for midichlorians, telling the kid that he's just checking his health. Pretty sure that's super unethical.


5. The pod race

Let's be real, the pod race was actually really cool and holds a special place in my heart (mostly thanks to the fantastic Nintendo 64 game) but the reason for having it seems flimsy and kid-Anakin makes everything annoying. Can we do pod racing again but good please, Star Wars?


6. Darth Maul's scooter

Darth Maul is a badass. The scooter is not.


7. I move for a vote of no confidence in George Lucas

What is this, an Australian leadership spill? As topical as it is for us Aussies these days, Amidala's solemn motion to the Senate feels like it's meant to be a big iconic moment, but it's really kind of boring.


8. That fake Death Star

Where do I even start with the fake Death Star? It's obviously included as a kind of throwback to its corresponding movie in the original trilogy, A New Hope, but there was no establishment of what this big, slightly ball-like space station actually was until the fighter pilots go up to attack it. It could be an orbital hospital for all we know.

Anakin accidentally ends up here too despite being literally nine years old, and is somehow able to fly right up to the reactor core without anyone even noticing, let alone trying to stop him. I really feel bad for all the professional fighter pilots who were shown up by this kid who snuck onto their mission.


9. This is how you ruin Duel Of The Fates

Duel of the Fates (and, by extension, Darth Maul) is the only good part about this film. In fact it's probably the best lightsaber fight sequence in any Star Wars film ever.

Only, I forgot that it was intercut with gratuitous scenes of Jar Jar Binks being a 'bombad general' and killing lots of droids through sheer incompetence. Please end this suffering.


10. It only gets worse from here

Some people think The Phantom Menace is the worst movie of the trilogy. I want to know if they've seen Attack of the Clones. It's a full 142 minutes of shit all happening, with the main focus being on the poorly-done love story and the best character, Obi Wan, being wasted on a weird subplot that only exists to explain clones and ruin Boba Fett for everyone.


11. Anakin just... stop

If you thought kid Anakin was bad, teen Anakin is here to ruin your day. There's a scene in this film where he complains to the girl he's trying to woo that his teacher just doesn't get him, and that he's probably already better than Obi Wan anyway. I think this is meant to count as flirting.

Here are some other lines that I think are meant to count as flirting:

  • "Attachment is forbidden. Possession is forbidden. Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love, is essential to a Jedi's life. So you might say, that we are encouraged to love."
  • "From the moment I met you, all those years ago, not a day has gone by when I haven't thought of you. And now that I'm with you again... I'm in agony. The closer I get to you, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you- I can't breath. I'm haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me. My heart is beating... hoping that kiss will not become a scar. You are in my very soul, tormenting me."
  • (Then, when she doesn't answer) "If you are suffering as much as I am, please tell me."
  • "I killed them all. And not just the men. But the women... and the children too."
  • "You're asking me to be rational. That is something that I know I cannot do. Believe me, I wish I could just wish away my feelings, but I can't."
  • "So have you, grown more beautiful. For a senator, I mean."
  • "I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere."

And here are some of the lines that are Padme clearly trying to shut him down:

  • "Please don't look at me like that. It makes me feel uncomfortable."
  • "Ani, you'll always be that little boy I knew on Tatooine."
  • "We live in a real world, come back to it."

The hardest suspension of disbelief in this movie isn't spinning jumping lightsaber master Yoda, it's believing that somehow Padme found Anakin endearing enough to fall for him. He's the kind of dude you ghost on Tinder after he starts getting way too intense and telling you about all his childhood trauma straight away.

It feels like the first half of the movie is written by someone who doesn't believe Padme could ever get with Anakin, and the second half is written by someone who is stressing out because them being together is kind of the whole basis for the third movie.


12. Padme is in a bucket

Padme is in a bucket. Padme spends an unreasonably long time trying to get out of said bucket.


13. Congratulations, you just made lightsabers uncool

I didn't think it was possible, but the huge battle scene on Geonosis made Jedi look really uncool. There's something about all those lightsabers flashing around that just becomes really comical really quickly. It looks more like some kind of MMO, where every character is a player-made custom with clashing outfits and special powers. Plus, how do so many Jedi die when we've already seen single Jedi holding off way more droids than were in the arena?

I don't think I want to be a Jedi anymore.


14. There's comic relief, then there's this

Even with Jar Jar in the picture, I think this wins the prize for worst comic relief gag that's dragged out the longest.


15. Yoda with a lightsaber

I think I liked it better when Yoda's mastery of the force was left to the imagination.


16. Ewan McGregor gives up on the franchise

By the time we get to Revenge of the Sith, you really get the feeling that Ewan McGregor has given up on trying to salvage something good from this trilogy and is just hamming it up. This makes Obi Wan's face off against Grevious (hey new evil character for no reason) just really odd.


17. Sheev

From "I am the senate" to "UNLIMITED POWER" Palpatine's rise in Revenge of the Sith has become such a meme I don't even know if it's good or bad anymore. At least it's entertaining.


18. Anakin doesn't know how childbirth works

Seriously, the thing that makes Darth Vader become Darth Vader is his concern that his wife is going to die in childbirth? All of this could have been avoided if he'd just, you know, talked to an obstetrician.


19. Quickest dark side turn ever

Though Revenge is by far the strongest movie in the prequel trilogy, this is still the most heinous offence in this list. Anakin's turn to the dark side is pretty much the entire point of this trilogy, and when it comes down to it, it just doesn't work.

How does Anakin go from "Mace Windu shouldn't kill this evil Sith lord because that's not the Jedi way" to "let's kill this entire temple full of younglings" in the space of about thirty minutes? Poor form, prequels, poor form.


20. I have the high ground!

Worst metaphor ever, also Darth Vader's terrible injuries and scarring is because... he couldn't jump high enough. This is the moment Star Wars fans were waiting for for 22 years?

If you have a spare day and no regard for your mental health, it's worth rewatching the prequels if only to remind yourself: Yes, they are exactly as terrible as you remember them being. So say what you will about The Last Jedi, but as Star Wars fans we can never forget the catastrophe that was the prequel trilogy. After all, it's not a story the Jedi would tell you...

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Comments

    What, you expect everyone in the entire galaxy to sound like an American? Having any accent other than American is racist now? Is this what we've come to?

      Having Asian stereotypes as the wily, double-dealing politicians, a Middle Eastern stereotype as the dusty, desert junk dealer and Steppin Fechit as the servile comedy relief is a different prospect to, say, giving all the Imperials Received Pronunciation British accents. Using a multiplicity of accents is one thing, consciously or unconsciously going boots and all into racial caricature is another.

      It was lovely when Ben Mendleson used his natural speaking voice as Krennic. I absolutely bought Diego Luna as a shady but basically still good resistance operative. (Donny Yen as a blind warrior monk -- not so enlightened in terms of characterisation, although apparently it was his own idea ... and Chirrut and Baze were great characters). You can populate a film with people who don't sound American without being a racist.

        You're the one ascribing stereotypes to them. You're the one that believes Asians are double dealing politicians, clearly. Two characters with vaguely Asian accents happen to be double dealing politicians, ergo in your mind, all vaguely Asian people must be double dealing politicians. The Feciht part is preposterous; Jar Jar was based on Fetchit's vaudeville routine for God's sake. The real Fetchit and the comedy Fetchit are two different people.

          No, not really.

          I didn't pull these stereotypes out of nowhere, nor am I the only person to have commented on them. They have a long history in theatre and film. And literature. And folk tales. They are eye-rollingly bad, obvious and have more to do with geo-politics than any attempt at sensible characterisation. And if you can't see that Fechit's vaudeville routine was a demeaning caricature of African Americans, throwing them under a bus for cheap laughs, then I suppose you also can't see why it was completely inappropriate for Ahmed Best to co-opt it.

        Not here to disagree on anything except this:

        It was lovely when Ben Mendleson used his natural speaking voice as Krennic.

        I'm a huge Mendelson fan, have been since I was a kid and used to watch him on tv in anything I saw him in. Then, loved him in IDIOT BOX and other various aussie movies. That wasn't Mendelsons natural voice in Rogue One, that was a 'world wide English' voice, one that's adjusted to suit other countries as such. It's still recognisable as British by people but if he were dropped into the middle of England, people would think he had been living abroad for a long time.

        If you want to hear his natural voice, check him out here in this Jimmy Kimmel interview:
        https://youtu.be/pY86X6RAfsQ

    By all measures, Last Jedi was one of the best Star Wars movies.

    Exactly. The new movies would have to sink pretty low to reach the depths of Revenge of the Sith, let alone the other two.

    I watched all three before EPVII came out and was surprised how much worse they were than I remembered. I thought as a teenager I just "didn't like Star Wars movies", but I loved the lore, and thus the video games. In reality it was just my unwillingness to look past the dated aspects of the originals, and the simple fact that the prequels were utterly terrible movies. They still had lots of cool things in them that made for some great feature video games, but the characters and story were both horrible.

    As you described above, the 'relationship' between Anakin and Padme in Attack of the Clones was the low point for me re-watching them. The process is utterly painful and ends up just being perplexing how she ends up with him at all.

    Last edited 04/01/18 12:57 pm

    The Last Jedi is comfortably the second worst Star Wars movie after Attack of the Clones.

    A diabolical waste of everyone's valuable 2 1/2 hours.

    Keep on trying to talk up the Last Jedi... Endlessly...
    That's how it works... You keep on brow beating the fans until they agree with you...
    Right...

      The Last Jedi was a good. But I guess whoever thinks the film is anything better than shite can't possibly be a 'true' Star Wars fan...

    Agree with most of this.

    All of this could have been avoided if he'd just, you know, talked to an obstetrician.
    Women still die in childbirth these days too - it's just rare in the West. Given that pretty much everybody still dies in the Star Wars universe it's not inconceivable that the Bacta tanks or whatever failed and Padme died popping out kids.

      She didn't even know she was having twins. She had no pre-natal care. They have hyperspace travel AND presence-sensing mystical woo abilities, and yet no one was aware she was walking around with an extra two life forms on board. Not even her ever so powerful Chosen One secret husband.

      They can put a ship into hyperdrive, but women die of sad post-natal feelings? Ugh.

        She couldn't tell anyone she was pregnant and asked for a sonogram because they would ask who is the father. Jedi attachment is forbidden and it is also implied that senator attachment is forbbiden to. Yes they have hyperspace technology and "mystical woo abilities" but that doesn't mean that they could keep a secret while informing an entire maternaty ward of doctors that a senator had twins.

          Who would ask? The doctors? It's not medically relevant. They don't even ask that here, now, in the middle of the patriarchy. And "an entire maternity ward?" Really? Do you really think she doesn't have a private physician she can trust? On Naboo, if not on Coruscant. Do you think they sell tickets to sonograms? (Or, as is more likely, a discreet remote examination by a specialist droid in the privacy of a GPs office). Or do you imagine that the Galactic News Netowrk bugs all the hospitals in the galaxy, just in case anything juicy comes up, but no Senator is smart enough to sweep the room for bugs before an appointment?

          As for "senator attachment being forbidden," that's just stupid. Bail Organa was married. Mon Mothma had a daughter (that may be legends status these days, I'm not sure ... )Are you seriously suggesting politics is for celibates? Give me a break.

    Pretty poor article. I'm still not sure what No. 3 even means, but No. 8 is the worst. You think TPM was worse than TLJ because the Trade Federation ship had a circular section which looked like the Death Star? TLJ had not one but two (fake to use your language) Super Star Destroyers! So by this article's very simplistic logic TLJ must be twice as bad as the OT.

    Star Wars. Great ideas, hijacked by the need to sell toys to kids. The rot set in after Empire. All the movies/TV/etc have moments of brilliance,
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jeG215-yu-k
    with moments of..........gritty sand. I am pretty much done after TLJ.
    Lets hope they give the ObiWan movie to a director like Clint Eastwood, Neill Blomkamp, even Ridley Scott, drop the jokes and give us a story, not just 'splosions for the ADD audience.

    Last edited 04/01/18 6:42 pm

    The prequels are fun except for:

    I.
    * Jar Jar Binks
    * Awkward forced Anakin crush on Padme
    * Anakin saving the day

    II.
    * The entire lovey dovey part in the middle.

    III.
    * Hammy acting
    * Dreadful scripting
    * Dreadful directing
    * That absolute cringefest of a scene between Padme and Anakin on the balcony
    * That absolute cringefest of a scene between Padme and Anakin on Mustafar
    * Do Naboo humans have a gestation period of 2 weeks?
    * Darth NooooOOoooOooo

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