I come to you, now, a changed person. I sank to the depths of Davy Jones' Locker, clawing at the water to survive, and have emerged tired, weak, and broken. The salt water, along with my sanity, clings to me like a slowly shedding second skin. Amidst the emotional trauma and chaos, I can only mutter two syllables: Uma.
Oh, I'm sorry... UUUUUUUUMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
It. Just. Keeps. Going.
Disney has released the latest lyric video for Descendants 2, the sequel to the successful Disney Baby Villains TV movie. "What's My Name" marks the musical debut of Uma (China Anne McClain), Ursula's daughter, who will serve as the main antagonist for the film. She's pissed because Mal and her friends got a free pass to Auradon and left her behind like a clump of old seaweed. So she kidnaps King Ben to force Mal to fetch her the magic wand — for, what else, world domination.
While the first song was stupid but harmless, showing kids evilly bobbing for apples, this Rihanna meets Hamilton's "what's your name, man?" diatribe will slither through your veins. McClain is a talented singer, but the song is three minutes of pure liquid nitrogen, freezing your body from the inside out. Uma just keeps asking people to tell her what her name is, forcing us all to repeat "Uma, Uma... FOR THE LOVE OF GOD UUUMAAAAAAAA!" at the top of our lungs until our throats are hoarse and words don't have meaning anymore.
Also, Baby Hook raps about his struggles with innumeracy.
Descendants 2 comes out July 21. UUUUUUUUMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!