The Christmas holidays are upon us. While I’m sure a lot of people are planning to spend them in the warm embrace of family and friends, some of us prefer the coolness of a completely empty house that we never, ever have to leave again.
Image: Sam Woolley
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These are the gifts for those people: the disparate degenerates who could probably go a whole year without physically touching another human being. I salute you and hope someone buys you something from this list.
Let’s be real. As wonderful as never leaving the house is, it can sometimes get boring — especially when you’ve been on the couch for eight hours straight and your arse is asleep. So why not get up and move? VR is a great way to do that, and because the homebody presumably lives alone they won’t have to worry about the biggest downside of VR — looking like a dweeb. Google and Samsung both make great portable VR systems, and HTC and Oculus have solid ones to connect to your PC, but the Playstation VR headset sits right in the sweet spot. This is the system you buy if you want to get a taste of the future or experience the world as Batman.
If you’re a homebody then you get used to the myriad of odours excreted from your body permeating the air. That is until the next time you leave the house and come home, wonder what died, and realise it was your dignity. This is where an air purifier comes in. They’re extremely necessary for the hermit you love and for the noses of the people whom they love. Dyson’s air purifier is ridiculously expensive, but it’s also a top-notch fan and a fantastic heater, and it can be controlled via your phone.
Harvey Norman, $799
Never leaving the house doesn’t mean you can’t have hobbies, and there are few things that better blend hobbies and the homebody existence than brewing your own beer. The Brewart BeerDroid is a brand new brewing system from the company behind Coopers that lets you brew your own beer, using pre-made packets of brew licenced from your favourite beer brands. You can also craft your own or tweak existing recipes.
The worst part about never leaving the house is sometimes people knock on the door and you really don’t want to seek out pants or get up and answer. There’s a lot of fancy smart doorbells and cameras that solve this problem, but few are as simple to use as the Canary Flex camera. It’s waterproof, wireless, and can be attached to just about any surface you can think of. It’s also not an eye sore. The Canary Flex comes in black and white and uses the same software as the older, but also nice, Canary camera.
Being a modern day hermit is a lot nicer when your home is smart. Let’s assume you have some smart lights or a smart thermostat. Now you need a way to control it all with your voice like you’re in Star Trek. That’s where digital home assistants like Alexa and Google Assistant come in. The Amazon Dot is cheaper than both. At just $US50 you can buy enough to outfit half your house for the same prices as a Google Home. That’s a lot of amazing home control for not a lot of money.
Blankie Tails Shark Blanket
You’ve got to stay comfy, and because you’ve forgotten what the sky looks like it doesn’t matter what that comfort looks like. This super soft bag-like blanket from Blankie makes it look like you’re being eaten by a shark, which is amusing on its own. But it’s also useful if you want to reach out to friends who never visit and make them think you’re being consumed by a large plush creature of the sea.
DJI Mavic Pro
DJI Store, $1699
Let’s be real. You need vitamin D to survive. You can get it with an inhouse tanning bed or a long walk in your neighbourhood, or you could go into your backyard and fly a 21st century kite. If it ever ships, the Mavic Pro by DJI will be a great choice. The $1699 Mavic is cheaper than DJI’s other drones, can be folded up small enough to fit in your hand, and can be controlled either by controller, with your phone, or with your voice. It also can be attached to a new VR helmet from DJI, which means you can walk your entire neighbourhood without ever leaving the house.