You haven't truly seen what bad pixelated graphic cleavage looks like until you start looking around the off-brand junk drawer world of unauthorised Kardashian apps.
The Kardashians released a sleek new suite official apps yesterday, but if you search for them in the App Store, you'll find a lot more than Kim, Khloé, Kendall, and Kylie's sanctioned offerings. Just as the Kardashians initially succubi'd onto Ryan Seacrest and Joe Francis until they could climb to a more respectable echelon of fame, some bold developers have been cashing in by hitching their horribly designed app wagons to the high-femme Armenian-American glamor brand.
That means there's a fat assload of weirdo knockoff Kardashian apps you can download. Most are boring. Some are so weird I wouldn't be surprised if I hallucinated them after falling into a vocal fry-induced trance watching an E! marathon.
Kardashian Pie- In Your Face, Kim!
Whack-a-Mole, but with Kim's head. There's no pie involved, just a menacing, anthropomorphic spray paint can.
Most striking feature: Thinly veiled hostility
App design: (2/10)
The Official Kim Kardashian Application
The now-defunct official app for Kim's first fragrance was released in 2010 and it doesn't look like a single good has happened to it since Kim found better stuff to do. It's the Kris Humphries of apps.
Most striking feature: Salient reminder of how far Kim's social standing rose this decade
App design: (4/10)
Kim Kardashian Fit In Your Jeans By Friday
Kim sanctioned a workout app exclusive to the iPad in 2010.
It cost $US2.99 so I didn't download it. Apply everything I just said about Kim's fragrance app to this, but let me add that working out in XL hoop earrings in an office was a bold choice.
Most striking feature: Premium video content for fans of workout tops that show off the entirety of your underwire bra
App design: (?/10)
Flappy- Kardashian Edition
If you like Flappy Bird but wish the bird was a roughly rendered graphic of Kim's head, have I got a treat for you!
Most striking feature: Plagiarism
App design: (3/10)
Another Flappy Birds rip-off. I'll let the people who took the time to write an app review speak for me here:
Lord Disick In the Line- Guide Scott to His Manor
"Lord Disick In the Line-Guide Scott to His Manor" manages to stand out among the Kardashian bootlegs as especially terrible.
You move Scott's pixelated head on a winding route to Calabasas, but if you bump into the edges of the comically nondescript purple road, you die. Spoiler: It's hard!
The wee Disick head is hard to control. Which could be a comment on Kourtney's inability to steer Scott away from his Patrick Bateman partyboy lifestyle, since getting Scott back to his "manor" is impossible. The road is monotonous and pointless...just like an addiction. :(
Or it could be a bad app.
Most striking feature: Apropos metaphor for Scott's floundering, difficult life and relationships
App design: (1/10)
Go Girl Kourtney Kardashian
Kourtney didn't bother to launch an official app like the rest of her sisters, which I respect. That doesn't mean she's ignored in the knockoff Kardashian app world. Unfortunately, this app is terrible. You just tap tap tap a little Kourtney head in between two lines of bubbles. If you hit the bubbles, you die. There is no variety. Just endless futile tapping effort until death.
Most striking feature: Aptness as comment on the doomed and circular nature of Kourtney's futile quest to fix Scott.
App design: (3/10)
At first I thought this was some random girl kapitalizing on the Kardashian name. And it kinda is, but this app is a collection of YouTube videos put out by a transgender teen who took the last name "Kardashian" because she's a fan, and it's sweet and I can't hate on it.
Most striking feature: Heartwarming digital teen content
App design: (6/10)
Follow Kim Kardashian
I got briefly excited while downloading this, hoping it was some sort of Gawker Stalker-but-only-for-Kim type deal for paparazzi. Alas.
This app is just a homescreen with a picture of pre-Kanye Kim, and then two screens inveigling you to "Follow Kim Kardashian" without actually offering an option to do so. This is an app mostly devoid of content.
Is it an experimental meditation on the way fame establishes surface recognition but not true knowing? Or did Twitter just revoke access and render this app even more unnecessary?
Most striking feature: Example of how Twitter's shifting policies towards third-party access can impact the efficacy of an app.
App design: (0/10)
A million "Kim Kardashian Trivia" type apps
There are so many Kim Kardashian trivia apps, yet I do not have one in particular to recommend, mostly because they are all riddled with ads and rank inaccuracies (one insisted Kim was born in 1986, a vile lie).
Most striking feature: Induces low-grade stress headache when you realise you've memorized Kim's weight, what is wrong with you.
App design: (4/10)
Tyga Kingin' World Tour
Tyga is talentless, perverted Humbert Humbert dumpster scum who does not deserve our attention. This app is kinda fun though.
Most striking feature: Celebrating statutory rapists
App design: (8/10)
Dentist Game for Kim Kardashian
I don't understand this app but I am afraid of it.
Most striking feature: Relentless terror
App design: (0/10)
Kim Kardashian My Girl
You insert images of pre-Kanye Kim into photos you take on your phone. It's fuckin great!
Most striking feature: Kim's original face
App design: (10/10)