Last week, we asked you to hunt down some of the most absurd, least helpful, and (consequently) absolutely wonderful product reviews that Amazon has to offer. And we are proud to say that you, dear readers, delivered in droves.
Some reviews were intentionally insane (the best) and some, well — some were obliviously absurd in earnest (the best worst). So naturally, we’ve included both. Here are nine of the best reviews you were able to dig up. And just remember, the next time you decide it might be a good idea to crowdsource a response — this is who’s coming to answer your call.
Best Worst Reviews
Umagabooa Stiraccitmline Postuma de arseo; 5 stars
Why don’t people just go to the Dr. and get them removed or what ever you have to do But my goodness reading some of these letters and I just wonder …Why don’t you just go to the Doctor if it hurts so much!
accident order movie; 1 star
JJust don’t care for sci fi cartoons. I didn’t order movie I accident clicked on it when dropped remote so tried to watch it and only made first 5 min. so take this review like a grain of salt amazon asked me to reveiew it so here it is.
Bad Item To Buy.; 1 star
I wanted to buy the Will & Grace DVD Series. Well, I decided to buy this Box Set. This item was not even shipped from the Store, if you will, when I was sent an Email that this was about the set. It was not a region 1 set. the region 0 was a bit iffy and one of the disc sets, I think it was season 6 that was said that had Asian characters on the DVD or Incorporated into the DVDs some how. I did not want these. As they very well could be pirated DVDs and I am not buying Pirated anything. For fear of the Law.
Target Practice; 1 star
Heyyyy I had to read this book for school and it was the worst thing I ever read. A worthless good for nothing piece of junk! Actually it is good for something. I took this book with me to rifle practice and i shot at this instead of the target. I got busted but hey it was worth it. Mail me if you want a picture of my shooting.
5. On Halloween
good but nooooooo; 1 star
good movie but not that goodddddddddd. jamie lee curtis is good in this movieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.i guess see it not scary.
via L. Wintrich
These sandals rescue me from my folly!; 5 stars
When I was little, my father and I would stroll through the fields in all the lands surrounding our manor, wishing a good harvest and fine tidings to the peasants who worked the soil.
He never meant those words, of course. My father could be a cruel, capricious landlord. One winter, when the driving rains turned the soil to mush, and the mung-beans and wheat-stalks lay rotten in the waterlogged earth, the peasants cried out in starvation and cursed the gods for their ruin.
I awoke one morning to find our castle engulfed in flames, my father screaming for his life and fleeing on horseback, abandoning me to whatever cruel fate the revolutionaries had in store for me.
And so I grabbed what little I could, including these fine sandals by Adidas, and I ran out into the dusty streets, beating a hasty escape from the life I had known and all it entailed. I know not where the road ahead will take me. But I do know that I will walk that road in comfort and style, with these reasonably priced and durable Adidas Duramo Slide Sandals in Navy and White, Size 12M.
Surprising Results; 5 stars
I tried to file my nails, but in the process I accidentally fixed a small engine that was near by. Which was nice
To be right.; 5 stars
30 years ago, Anchorage, Alaska. I was situating myself in an Inuit dive bar and knew it was going to be one of those nights. It was cold, wet, and dark, and I had no intention of going back out until I had reached a satisfactory level of inebriation. Over the din of the natives sucking down whale blubber, I heard a distinct hum that steadily increased in volume. There was no mistaking it. It was the sound of a Tupolev’s turboprop engines, challenging the sovereignty of my great nation. As if on queue and to add insult to my attempt to relax and unwind, a massive bear of a man crashes into the bar, causing every head to turn, like a pack of lemurs. He zeroed in on me. “Another blue eye! I sit here now, comrade. I get vodak, da?”. I said nothing and looked the man in the eyes, getting a sense of his soul. “By all means, friend”, I cooly reply, never averting my gaze, as I unzipped my Member’s Only jacket, revealing my Reagan Bush ’84 shirt underneath. A deafening silence filled the air and the Russian peered down at it, struggling to read with his beady, prole eyes. It was at this point that he could no longer meet my gaze and a tremor filled his leg. He promptly stood up and walked back out the door, into the night, never to be seen. I looked at the dive’s proprietor, who gave me a nod of knowing and with that, the slurping sounds recommenced and I could finally finish my beer. Lifting my chalice to my lips, I paused and quietly whispered “thank you, Reagan.”
Many years later I am finding that the nights are again growing cold with the threat of communism. This shirt had helped me in the past and I know I can count on it again.
I haven’t pooed for three days since first listening to this record
I was persuaded to purchase this record by my best friend Abdullah on the basis that it had cured his asthma. The story went that Abdullah had become more and more breathless as the album raged on, until finally during the penultimate track ‘I’ve Had The Time Of My Life’ Abdullah quite involuntarily let out a harrowing scream of pleasure and collapsed in a frenzy of fluid. From the moment Abdullah awoke in hospital it was discovered that his chronic asthma had completely subsided, leaving him with lungs ‘comparible to that of a 2 year old dolphin’ according to the duty nurse.
On listening to the album myself, I am inclined to believe Abdullah’s story. I had barely made it through the intitial 30 seconds of ‘a Whole new World’ before I was forced to pause the record and take a shower. I had sweated so much that my many tattoos had faded to nothing and my hair had bleached itself white.
The impact this record will have on our world is comparible only to penicillin. Katie has the voice of a young Marvin Gaye, whilst Peter sounds like the smell of a new born baby. Separately, they are peerless – together, they are what an orgasm would look like if it were human.
If you are yet to listen to this record, you may as well be dead.