Last week I attended a lively tech party and was hit in the head by a flying drone. Given that drones are as controversial as they are ubiquitous in the media, I know what’s going through your head right now: “How can I also get hit in the head by a drone?”
I am now the only person I know who was wounded by a #drone at a @Gizmodo party. #tech pic.twitter.com/VdhiNS6RPX
— Stephen Kosloff (@stephenkosloff) May 22, 2014
Well, it has nothing to do with luck, or art, or voodung. It takes skill, courage, and a robust multi-channel messaging strategy. If you follow the basic steps below, you can join the small but growing ranks of those who have been hit in the head by a drone.*
Preparation
You will cultivate media contacts by staking out New York’s media hot spot, Per Se. You will swoon as the media corps sashays to and fro, with the Upper East Side sparkling malevolently yet benevolently in the distance.
A word of caution: Wednesday is drag night at Per Se, so if the sight of Pinch Sulzberger in a $US30 A-line skirt, fake lashes and a kilo of rouge unnerves you, bring Dramamine.
A glass of zinfandel will set you back $US42 at Per Se; just tell the maître d’ you’re a tech blogger for a 40 per cent discount.
Your next step is finding an event with lots of hot drone action. Tech events or breaking news stories are good places to start. Fortunately, as drones become more prevalent it will be easier to get mauled by them.
The Day Of
You want to be the top result when Good Morning America’s booker Googles “hit in head by a drone,” so consider your attire carefully. Wear something cheap, like a t-shirt; preferably a white one so the blood stains pop more.
Looking for a value-add? Choose a t-shirt bearing the likeness of a famous figure — President Obama, Ronald McDonald, or the Geico gecko all merit consideration — to add an ironic frisson to your big day.
At the event, set aside a few minutes to talk to the drone in question. Drones have feelings just like the rest of us. If your drone is anti-Semitic, for example, consider adding a yamukah to your wardrobe mix. If it hates pirates, toss on an eye-patch. Easy peasy!
The Moment of Truth
One inherent challenge you’ll face is sustaining the right kind of wound. You want a camera-friendly torrent of blood streaming down your face and neck, but if the wound is too gruesome, the media will be like “eww gross” and won’t run the photos. Fail!
The forehead and the bridge of the nose are both great. If you are fortunate enough to be hit there, you will look like you’ve been murdered with an ax, but will likely walk away with only a minor (and possibly flattering) scar.
So Now You’re Bleeding
You’ve successfully been hit in the head by a drone. Remember: you’ve been preparing for this moment for months. Those around you have not. Those around you, including the event organiser, will be more traumatized than you. Have some messaging prepared in advance to console them. The optics are better if you have your remarks committed to memory, but reading from notes is acceptable.
Super important: please please please photograph yourself before cleaning the blood off your face or seeking medical attention. Hiring a professional photographer will reduce the risk of bleeding on your smartphone and will enable you to focus on handing out business cards to any journalists on-site.
Your Story Hits the Internet
The interviews are over; the editor has hit “publish.”
You used to take the train to work, now you’re driving the news cycle.
You used to flail on Tinder, now you’re summering in Aruba with Liz Heron.
You used to have 500 Twitter followers, now you have 50,000 brand ambassadors.
You’re verified, you’re trending, and you’re welcome!
*This post does not address being targeted by a military drone, as this is a separate topic, and is also insufficiently challenging. If you’re interested in being killed in a drone strike, my advice is to either start hanging out at marriage ceremonies in Waziristan or add the pre-fix “al-” to your last name and start talking shit about the United States.
Stephen Kosloff is the founder and editor ofHausfrau magazine. Find both on Twitter at @stephenkosloff or@hausfraumag
Illustration: Jacob Thomas, whose work can be seen here.