So you just moved in with some strangers, and they seem nice enough, right? Wrong. Living with randoms is awkward. You have no choice but to make them think you are a complete weirdo — how else are you going to know if they suck? These tools should help.
It’s time to intentionally strain that roommate relationship to find out what lies beneath the polished personas you met at your interview. This is harmless stuff, really, but it will show you what your roommates are like when they get startled and stressed. We can only suggest possibilities. The execution is up to you. Remember, it’s all about the context of what you do. Timing and surprise are everything. But go hard. The worst that’s going to happen is you’ll get kicked out by a bunch of sourpuss jerks, and who knows, maybe you’ll find out your roommates are cooler than you thought.
Kwik Goal Kwik Blast Air Horn
Using the air horn to effectively inflict psychological trauma on your roommates is all about building suspense in their minds about when it will next go off. Come home one day and set it off in front of your new roomies. You’ll all have a good laugh about it, sure, but this is just the beginning. That night, wait ’til your roommates are sound asleep, kick in their door and let this thing roar. Don’t stop there. Keep doing setting off the horn at random times on an erratic schedule for a couple of weeks. It’s like Chinese water torture. Your roommates will never sleep again. Bonus points: do it when their significant other is spending the night. $US5.
LED Lenser X21
A heavy-duty LED Lenser torch is an excellent implement of surprise. It single-handedly outputs enough lumens to light an entire room on its own. On a night when your roommate is coming home late, unscrew the lightbulbs in their bedroom hide under the covers. Wait until they flip the light switch a few times and then nail them with shot to the eyes from the X21 will put them on their backs — possibly for hours. $US500.
Wustoff Cook’s Knife
Get one of these super sharp kitchen knives and stuff it in your roommate’s sock drawer. They probably won’t say anything the first time. Now wait until you’re both having dinner or drinking a beer with your roommate and have a really deep conversation about something personal involving knives. While they brush their teeth sneak the knife in there again. They’ll know who did it, and they’ll be creeped out. $US125.
Creepy fake bugs
Bugs are gross to everyone, and you can seriously freak out your new roommate with a few well placed fake ones. We recommend reaching out to the people at Film Flies to get some really realistic, hollywood-quality bed bugs made. The only thing that creeps your roommate out more than the weird person who just moved into their apartment is the bed bugs that may or may not have moved in with them. Granted those are probably pretty expensive. A set of cheaper fake bugs will do you just as well. $US2.60.
Life-like mannequin head
It’s not too likely your roommates will think you are a homicidal maniac just because you flash a realistic looking mannequin head — too unlikely — but you can still make them think you are a total nutcase. Get the mannequin head and wrap it up in tons of newspaper and packing tape so that you can’t tell what it is. Stick it in the freezer. Your roommates will want to know what the hell is taking up all that space, but you will stubbornly refuse to tell them or to do anything about it. Wait a few months. Sooner or later their curiosity will get the best of them and boy will they be surprised. Bonus points: Use a pig’s head from the butcher instead. $US40.
Cinema Secrets FX blood
Fake blood might not be surprising around Halloween, but wait a couple months and smear tons of gooey redness all over the bathroom. Lots of it. Everywhere. Like there was a bloody struggle — or worse. Do it overnight so that your unsuspecting roommate won’t discover it until they wander into the bathroom half-asleep in the morning. Talk about a rude awakening. Bonus points: Use animal blood. $US20.
Top photo: Shutterstock/Blacqbook