YAAAAAAAR, YESTERDAY BE TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY, YE OLDE, FESTERING WENCH! AS SUCH, I WILL SHOUT ALL ME RANTINGS AND YOU'LL LIKE IT. IF THOU EVER HOPES TO GET SOME SEA LEGS, YOU'D BEST HEED THIS LIST.
Sailboats just won't do for a pirate anymore. Hell, normal-powered boats won't even do. When your treacherous ways have the combined naval powers of various nations tailing you, you need to take the chase underwater. This hybrid speedboat/submarine can cruise the water at 40 knots, or take a dip at depths reaching 76m. $US3.5 million.
Swords are soooooooo 17th century. And don't get me started about pistols. If you're going to engage in combat, at least acknowledge the fact that you live in the year 2011 and fight with electricity. The stun baton delivers a million volts of energy to the body of anyone unlucky enough to encounter it. Oh, and it has an LED torch. $US105.
Once upon a time, medieval warriors played chess to keep the strategic and tactical concepts of battle fresh in their minds. A Pirate should have the same thing. Sid Meier's updated masterpiece, now available on the iPad, will have you plundering, dueling and yarrrrrrring in no time flat. $5.49.
Pirates don't just sail the high seas. They also transmit across high frequencies. Even if you can't wield a sword IRL, you can equip yourself with a radio transmitter, which will serve as a metaphorical edge in the battle against Clear Channel. $US270.
Piracy also takes place in the land of 1's and 0's. If you're going to find a digital cave full of treasure, you need to know how to navigate the information superhighway. This map of the internet shows you the trade routes for data all across the globe. Study it wisely. Free.
This is Bittorrent. On the internet, it is your vessel. It is to be used for pirating "FREELY DISTRIBUTED" CONTENT ONLY. Free.
You're a pirate. If you plan on surviving long enough to become a legend, you will likely lose a limb. Lucky for you, peg legs are a thing of the past. Now you will glide around on a carbon fibre blade prosthesis, which enables amputees to run at world-class speeds. $US20,000/leg.
You'll never amount to a damn thing as a pirate if you can't handle your rum. Weaker pirates from simpler times used to water down their rum, calling it grog. Be better than that. Don't just drink unadulterated firewater. Drink superadulterated firewater in the form of Bacardi 151 and you'll be talking like a pirate whether you want to or not. $US25.
Top image: Shutterstock/Maximus256