7 Tools To Retrofy Your Bunker

7 Tools To Retrofy Your Bunker

Doesn’t matter if I’m riding out Hurricane Irene or the latest zombiepacolypse, there’s absolutely no reason for me to huddle in a cramped, dank vault like some goddamn refugee.

No, if I’m going to have to “hunker down” like some schmuck (doesn’t this storm know who I am?) I’m going to do so in the lushest, sexiest, most awesomest retro fallout shelter on the (sub-)surface of the planet! I’m gonna put Brendan Fraser to shame — and these tools are a fine start. So let the repopulating begin!

Eames Lounge Chair and Ottoman

The floor — you want me to sit on the floor. Yeah, no. Not happening. I’m calling dibs on the Eames. If it’s good enough for the New York MoMA, it should suffice to support my chiselled buttocks. $US5450.

Victoria Nostalgic Internet Radio

The Victoria Nostalgic runs Pandora natively with controls on the stereo face; it also supports SiriusXM, Rhapsody and 50,000 other preset internet radio stations and on-demand content. All those fancy web music stations get washed away? No sweat; it also streams from your collection. So, no — I don’t really want to hear about your day minding the bunker. $US230.

Mad Men: Seasons 1-4 DVD Box Set

The only thing I enjoy more than classy indoor smoking, slick hair and gigantor ginger jumblies? Mad Men. Oh wait, that has all three. $US140.

Tiffany & Co Century Cocktail Shaker

Nick Charles was spot on with his advice that “a dry martini you always shake to waltz time”. Though I’d also add that they taste better when shaken in $US1900 worth of sterling silver. $US1900.

Sheex Performance Bed Sheets

Maybe it’s my natural athletic love-making abilities, maybe its my penchant for Chinese acrobats — who’s to say really? All I know is that these Sheex stay put no matter how hard the bed/bunker shakes. $US200.

Burberry Trench Coat

Sure, I could just toss on an Adidas track suit for a run down to the bodega, but I’m not British. Instead, I’ll brave the elements in this classic double-breasted Burberry trench coat. Humphrey Bogart ain’t got nothin’ on me! $US1700.

Cut Crystal Hurricane Lamp

Yes, OK, there is a very small chance the power may fail. But I’ve thought ahead and brought these cut crystal hurricane lamps. Not only do they not blow out regardless of drafts, they’re the perfect mood lighting for my acrobat’s Beauty and the Beast cosplay fantasy $US450.

Auto Assault-12 Shotgun

In the off chance shit goes Omega Man on me, the AA-12 is an excellent bunker-defence option. It makes zombie heads go “splatter” without dislocating my shoulder.

Top art: Shutterstock