Look at you, with your body all knotted and abused. Why the hell did you do that to yourself? Well, let Mama Giz kiss it and make it feel better. Or, rather, here's some gear to make yourself feel better.
You know that knot on your back that you just can't quite reach? Or maybe your partner has wimpy little kitten-hands and can't give you the pressure you need. The Body Back Buddy is the answer to your aching prayers. It's cheap, it's strong, and you can finally rub one out all by yourself. A knot, I mean. Rub a knot out. $US30. (Amazon)
You've heard of the RICE regimen, right? That's Rest, Ice, Compression and Elevation. Well, the Game Ready Accelerated Recovery System takes care of two of the four. You wear special wraps around your injury and a computer controlled unit pumps ice-cold water through them, to keep it at a safe, steady, and even temperature for an extended time. At the same time, you can program it to pump some air in there to give you a little compression therapy.
Part sled, part medieval torture-device, part exercise equipment. Pilates isn't a fad. If you do it right (classes with a good instructor are recommended) it's one of the best ways to build yourself up again after an injury. It's also great for future injury-proofing. The Reformer is kind of the king of Pilates artillery, allowing you to perform a number of strengthening and stretching exercises while moving your own weight to and fro. $US400-$US4000 depending on features, quality, and where you buy.
I have a love/hate relationship with Thera-Bands. I hate them because it's the most monotonous kind of exercise I can imagine and it makes me want to carve out my own brain with a tiny shovel. I love them because they fixed my knees, and my shoulders, and my elbow, all after serious injuries. With proper instruction these glorified rubberbands may just be the best thing for you on the list. Just do it while you're watching TV or something, so you don't accidentally fall asleep mid-rehab. About $US5 each on Amazon.
Like you needed another excuse. As we mentioned back in April, grass-fed beef might is the most delicious performance-enhancing drug on the market. As he esteemed Mr Casey Chan noted: "Grass-fed beef is higher in Omega-3 fatty acids and has an increased amount of CLA. Athletes who've switched over say their joints feel a lot better and some NFL teams have even started to order grass-fed beef to feed their team." So there you go. Football players are never wrong. $US8 per pound via Fresh Direct.
Image: Shutterstock/Petr Jilek
In some places, medicinal marijuana is legal. In other places, people just like to smoke weed. In either case, if you're trying to heal yourself, the last thing you want to be doing is pulling a bunch of carcinogens and free-radicals into your lungs. The Vapir NO2 is a portable, rechargeable vaporiser that allows you to take in the healing properties of medicinal cannabis without breathing in all of the garbage, because it heats it without burning it.
Naturally, only use the Vapir for marijuana if you are legally authorised to do so. But you knew that already. $US180.
If you really like massages and you really hate other people, the Elite Optima Massage Chair is as good as it gets. This puppy has all of the bells and whistles you could hope for. It's a heat therapy, 30-inch stroke-length (heyo!) delivering, 170-degree reclining, body-scanning, leg and foot working wonder of self-pampering. Not enough for you? It has six speakers and an iPod dock, so it can sync your massage to the music you're playing. If I could lie face-down on it, I'd marry it. $US4000.
Lead image: Shutterstock/Arber