The Effects Of Using A Bidet On iPhone Performance

Have you ever wondered whether or not having a jet of water shooting up at your anus would inhibit your ability to use your iPhone on the crapper? Someone did, to the point they conducted a study of 106 randomly selected Griffith university students to see how bidets impacted people using their iPhone.

The study involved two groups: one group using the bidet, and another using a regular toilet. The test was to see how many set tasks could be performed on the iPhone in a two minute period. The scientists behind the study hypothesised that using a bidet would inhibit iPhone usage.

They were wrong.

According to their results, the average number of tasks completed by people using the bidet was 13, compared to eight for the regular crappers.

So why the difference?

According to the report, the people behind the study believe "that the particular arousal stemming from use of a bidet stimulated increased performance in the group. Indeed, bidet users subjectively reported 'increased focus, perception and joy' during the study."

This is my favourite study ever. Even if it turns out to be fake. Read the whole thing below:

The effects of using a bidet on iPhone user performance

Introduction

Colloquial evidence from the popular press has raised instances of iPhones being dropped into toilets. There has been little discussion however on the consequences of using an iPhone at the same time as a bidet.

Past research

No previous studies were found on the simultaneous use of a bidet and an iPhone. Although not publicly discussed or admitted, it is widely know that iPhone owners use their iPhones while carrying out basic bodily functions on the toilet. This can be assumed to be a fairly straight forward task, as usually both hands are free and the user is relatively free to concentrate on the iPhone during expulsion.

The use of a bidet requires somewhat more concentration and skill than use of a toilet. Basic motor skills and equilibrium are involved, and for the uninitiated, the unfamiliar sensory input of water splashing on the sphincter can be off-putting. It is suggested overall therefore that use of a bidet is cognitively and physically more demanding than use of a toilet.

Aim

To perform standard tasks on an iPhone while using a bidet to determine to what degree user performance is impaired or improved

Hypothesis

The use of a bidet will impair iPhone use, providing an unsatisfactory user experience.

Method

Participants : Participants were 106 randomly selected Griffith University students who have owned an iPhone for at least one year aged 18 – 35.

Variables: The independent variable was measured on a nominative scale and operationalised as 1) iPhone use only 2) iPhone and bidet use

The dependent variable was was measured on a ratio scale and operationalised as a result of successfully completed tasks from a list of tasks provided by the researcher (e.g. change screen brightness, play a song, read an article on CNN.com, etc.). The number of tasks successfully completed in the allotted time of 2 minutes produced a whole number result (e.g. 5, 9, etc.)

Procedure: particpants were randomly allocated to two separate groups. The 'iPhone use only' group was given the list of tasks to perform, an iPhone, and two minutes to complete as many tasks as possible. The 'iPhone and bidet use' group was given the list of tasks to perform, an iPhone, told to sit on a bidet and simulate normal bidet use following toilet use and 2 minutes to complete as many tasks as possible.

Results

iPhone only use group – Mean tasks performed: 8 iPhone and bidet use group – Mean tasks performed: 13

Discussion

The results were contradictory to the hypothesis that simultaneous bidet and iPhone use would impair iPhone use performance. Rather, using a bidet and iPhone at the same time increased performance on average by 62%. These results are highly surprising, however it is surmised that the particular arousal stemming from use of a bidet stimulated increased performance in the group. Indeed, bidet users subjectively reported 'increased focus, perception and joy' during the study.

These results may have practical implications for society at large, as bidets are relatively uncommon at this point in time. Due to these results and the positive hygiene consequences of using a bidet, we may see a boom in the bidet industry in the coming years.

Future research

It would be relevant to carry out further research in Japan, where bidets are integrated into toilets and require little manual effort, since they are fully automated.

[Thanks Owen!]

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