Technology To Take Down The Humble Sickie

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Hi, boss? It's Nick. Actually not too good - I ate some terrible chinese food last night and I'm afraid that if I wander too far from the toilet, I'm going to be dying my pants an unattractive shade of brown. What's that? The sound of crashing waves in the background? Oh, that's just a relaxation CD my wife put on for me to help me relax - seeing as how I'm so sick and all. What?  Yeah, she's here too - she ate the Chinese as well. Actually she's a bit worse than me - she's throwing up as well. Yeah, it's a constant battle for the toilet here.

What do you mean how could she put the CD on if she's throwing up? It only took her a second. Hang on a minute... mumble, mumble, sunburn, mumble...

You there boss? I'm going to have to go. Literally. I'm cramping like a... what do you mean hang on? You think I'm faking it? You can hear the wind blowing across the microphone and people laughing in the background? That's just the TV. Why do I have a CD and the TV on? I dunno, I like noise, I guess. You want to make me do what? Take a lie detector test? Over the phone? What will that do? Monitor the sound of my voice and check if it thinks I'm actually sick. Why would I want to do that?

What? You say it's a new voice recognition technology that's being trialled in the UK that was developed by Capita and Digilog UK and called Voice Risk Analysis. It makes thousands of checks on my voice during a call and picks up changes in my voice that suggest I'm lying, then gives me prompts to reconsider calling in sick?

I'm not sure boss. I don't like the sound of that. I mean, it's a machine right? Probably gets it wrong all the time. I don't want you thinking I'm healthy when I'm actually vomiting out by backside. So yeah, I'll pass, thanks. What do you mean I'll take the test or not come to work tomorrow. You're giving me a long weekend? Thanks boss, you're awesome. I'll see you next week. Or not? Now you're just confusing me.

[Daily Mail]