I'm sitting here, looking at a screen that's way too tall, waiting, seconds turning into minutes, just so I can log into Windows. Thank god I didn't have to cold boot. Five minutes later, when my laptop finally approaches a functioning state, I reach down to move the mouse cursor over the Slack icon only to be greeted with a bare patch of hard black plastic - then I remember my 11-year-old Thinkpad doesn't even have a touchpad. This isn't going to be nearly as fun as I thought. Do I even try to install Photoshop? Screw it, let's go nuts. But before getting any deeper in this wasteland of retro tech, let me backup and explain how I got here.