Elon Musk’s Dumb Elden Ring Build Proves The Billionaire Is Maidenless

Elon Musk’s Dumb Elden Ring Build Proves The Billionaire Is Maidenless
Photo: Suzanne Cordeiro, Getty Images

Elon Musk, who is 50 years old, is just like any other 13-year-old. Between long days spent fanboy-tweeting at Metal Gear Solid video game designer Hideo Kojima, drinking chocolate milk and determining the definition and reach of “free speech”, Musk plays Elden Ring.

It’s known he plays other video games, too, including civilisation simulator The Battle of Polytopia and the open world role-playing game Cyberpunk 2077. Typically, Musk doesn’t say much about the games he plays other than the fact that he enjoys them. But when a Twitter user asked Musk for Elden Ring advice on May 9, the billionaire delivered by sharing a few details of his character’s build.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. This build…it doesn’t make much sense. Just as I have suspected, having around a $US250 ($347) billion net worth turns the grey matter in your brain’s frontal cortex into individual packets of mustard. But let’s get closer to the mess and figure out why Musk’s “move fast, break things” mindset doesn’t apply to Elden Ring.

It’s unfocused

I’ll start by saying that if you’re having fun while playing Elden Ring, then your build is a good build. It seems Musk is reveling in his disgraceful build, and I’m happy for him, though I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it.

Musk says he uses an “Int/Dex build, so mostly mage with some weapon skills,” and he keeps his “shield in left hand, staff in right with rapier & claws fast switch.”

Piling most of your points into levelling intelligence and dexterity, or pursuing an Int/Dex build, is a common and useful approach to creating formidable magic characters. Dexterity gives casting speed a small boost in Elden Ring, dexterity-scaling weapons tend to be on the lighter side (ideal, since mages are probably putting points into intelligence over equip-load-increasing endurance), and there are plenty of weapons that scale with both dexterity and intelligence to choose from.

But just choose one. Musk has four weapons equipped at all times, which can make it difficult to bring anything up to its maximum strength. Carrying all that around also adds unnecessary weight — mage characters typically don’t need shields because they torpedo spells from a safe distance, and fast switching between weapons of unequal power wastes time and puts you at a disadvantage in battle.

Carrying at least one weapon is ideal for when your FP-replenishing Flask of Cerulean Tears drains, but if your primary stat is intelligence, you need to use magic as your primary weapon. It’s the strongest tool in your arsenal and will deal the most damage.

Then, when you pick a secondary weapon for when magic is inaccessible, you should preferably pick one one that scales with your high intelligence, but you can use anything that you’ll commit to bringing to its maximum strength through smithing stones.

Variation might be lucrative when it comes to making Teslas crash into police cars, having Falcon 9 rockets zoom rich people into space, and enticing former president and current Twitter exile Donald Trump back to the social media platform you just bought. But in Elden Ring, a lack of focus makes a giant sit on you, killing you instantly.

It’s overcomplicated

Change armour from heavy to medium for fast roll or tank. Move talismans around a lot.

I have been sitting here trying to think of a time when someone would need to change armour mid-battle for the express purpose of rolling, but I can’t. Much like how The Boring Company’s Las Vegas Convention Centre Loop tunnel is just asphyxiation underground with more steps (or a highway tunnel with more steps, a worse subway with more steps, etc.), Musk’s approach to armour is unnecessarily complex.

If you’re playing a mage character like Musk as we established earlier, you should be hurling your magic at Elden Ring’s armour-clad undead from afar. If you’re spending most of the game outside of everyone’s direct warpath, you can probably wear nothing but your auto-equipped body type B bralette and still successfully murder people, like if Euphoria had a bloodthirsty, 11th-century wench character.

But you can also adjust your armour to best protect you in certain terrains or during specific fights, like by equipping a poison-resistant hat for when diabolic plants fart on you. Exceeding your equipment load and making your character “heavy,” though, leads to ineffective, drowsy rolling or dodging, something you want to avoid in fights where every movement matters (most of them). Changing your armour just to roll is another time sink. Don’t do it.

Switching talismans around is a less overt issue, and doing so might even lead you to an unexpected favourite. That said, it’s absolutely not a requirement if you have a collection that already works for you. Ultimately, your damage output, stats, and ease of movement will guarantee your success — talismans are just sprinkles.

Um…

Many small hits in a row to damage stack is important.

I’m not completely sure what Musk means by this. All damage stacks in Elden Ring, but the extent of the damage done will be affected by a specific enemy’s damage resistance. As far as I’m aware, there is no situation that necessitates “many small hits in a row” over, for example, HP-dissolving critical attacks like backstabs or just well-timed regular attacks.

He could be referring to the Twinblade Talisman, which makes the final attack in a chain of hits more potent, but I don’t know. Do you know? Is this about how many stop signs a “self-driving” Tesla can roll past until the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration decides to enact a perma-ban on stop signs?

Musk gets one thing right

Summon!

No emperor can run an empire alone. He needs workers to degrade and daddy’s money.

You, lowly Tarnished, aren’t so different from the lonely billionaire, and if you get stuck in Elden Ring, just ask the friends you keep in your back pocket for help. Calling on a jellyfish works, too. Other than that, I know that many people find Musk inspirational, but when it comes to developing your Elden Ring build, you might want to avoid the association.

A billionaire’s grind and goal-obsessed mind is helpful for tricking yourself into believing that rich people deserve their wealth because they want everyone to sleep under their desks like human snails, but in Elden Ring, social mobility is actually possible. Your character comes from nothing — no health, no family, no maiden, nothing — and single-handedly demolishes an empire. It’s incredible, and if Musk’s shitty mage build is any indication, a billionaire couldn’t survive it.