10 Times the Troll King Made Us Regret the Existence of Twitter

10 Times the Troll King Made Us Regret the Existence of Twitter
Photo: HANNIBAL HANSCHKE/POOL/AFP, Getty Images

Elon Musk.

Elon Musk, self-proclaimed free speech “absolutist” and unabashed troll, may or may not own Twitter soon. Worth some $375-ish billion, the Tesla CEO already holds 9 per cent of the company’s stock, and he’s offered around $60 billion for the rest, though he said, “I’m not sure I will actually be able to acquire it.” Twitter’s board is evaluating the offer but has adopted financial measures to delay the SpaceX CEO.

In the spirit of our future birdbrained overlord, let’s take a trip down memory lane and revisit some of Elon’s most memorable verbal adventures on the social network. Whether it’s dissing politicians, bullying his oligarchic competitors, or talking shit about a guy who saved a bunch of children in a cave, we all know that Elon won’t pull any punches when it comes to speaking his mind! Here are a few times that the Tesla CEO took his trollish powers to the max. Enjoy.

Trolling Bernie Sanders

In one corner: the USA’s biggest billionaire-hater. In the other: the world’s richest man. Do they like each other? I think not. Surprising that Sanders didn’t raise Musk’s individual taxes in response, or that Musk didn’t have a rocket scrawl “I keep forgetting that you’re still alive” in a chemtrail over Bernie’s house. It could still happen.

Trolling Jeff Bezos

I’m all in favour of trolling Jeff Bezos, but that troll being Musk somehow negates the pleasure of it. The Tesla man went after the Amazon man in October after Bezos humble bragged about being one of the world’s most successful entrepreneurs. Musk juvenilely awarded him a silver medal emoji, to remind the former Amazon CEO that he, the CEO of SpaceX, was still richer.

Trolling Twitter’s New CEO

After Jack Dorsey stepped down as CEO of Twitter last November, Musk trolled the company’s new leader, Parag Agrawal, with this meme comparing him to Soviet dictator Josef Stalin. The picture referenced is a famous piece of Soviet propaganda in which an unfortunate secret police officer was literally edited out of history after his execution. Agrawal is only running one of the biggest companies in the country, but, sure, compare him to a communist autocrat!

Trolling a Cave Rescuer by Calling Him a Pedophile

Screenshot: TwitterScreenshot: Twitter

In one of his most notorious Twitter freakouts, Musk got into it with a cave diver who helped rescue 12 Thai boys and their soccer coach from the flooded Tham Luang cave complex in the summer of 2018.

The diver, Vernon Unsworth, apparently angered Musk by saying that Musk’s “submarine,” an air-filled tube that the Tesla CEO had provided to assist with the rescue effort, had not been helpful during the mission. In retaliation, Musk suggested via Twitter that Unsworth was a pedophile. Musk ultimately deleted the tweet after backlash — and later apologised. Unsworth sued Musk for defamation anyway, only to have Musk win out in court. Boo.

Tweeting About a Senator’s Penis

Last November, Oregon Senator Ron Wyden helpfully pointed out that the world’s richest people should be paying a lot more in taxes. Musk responded by firing off an obscene tweet about the Senator’s genitals: “Why does ur pp look like u just came?” Classy.

Goading Another Rich Egomaniac Into Running for President

During Kanye West’s short-lived Yeezy 2020 presidential campaign, Musk used Twitter to show him some billionaire solidarity. Makes sense. Ridiculously wealthy narcissists need to stick together!

Musk Flirts with The Rock on Twitter

Just two cool guys, hanging out, being cool. Elon invited us all to witness the blossoming bromance between himself and the potential future President of the United States. Suffice it to say, if Dwayne Johnson someday graces the Oval Office he will probably have no problem saying the word “Tesla.”

Lobbying for Two Terrible Things to Happen

Earlier this year, Elon used his Twitter powers for evil once again when he tried to convince one of America’s most caloric restaurant chains to adopt his favoured alt-coin as a payment method. He then threatened to force Americans to watch him digest a hamburger on live television.

Trolling the National Anthem

Musk once used Twitter to post the lyrics of the Star-Spangled Banner verbatim in a gesture we honestly can’t decipher — irony? A vague reference to how hard his life is? Genuine patriotism?

“There Will Be No Mars If We Let Them Take Our Freedom Away”

There will be no Mars if we let them take our freedom away. There will be no Mars if we let them take our freedom away. There will be no Mars if…

…Few sentences have the same haunting stupidity as this gossamer nugget. Now that Musk has said it, I can’t unhear it. I will have to go my whole life with these dubious, absurd words echoing through my mind. Thanks a lot, Musk man. Should the Telsa CEO’s coup against Twitter’s leadership be successful, I guess we can expect a whole lot more where that came from.