Everybody Deserves A SpongeBob SquarePants Xbox

Everybody Deserves A SpongeBob SquarePants Xbox
Two custom Xbox consoles enter, only one really matters (Photo: Microsoft)

In celebration (read: cross-promotion) of the recent release of Nickelodeon’s All-Star Brawl, Microsoft is running a sweepstakes in which one lucky gamer can win an Xbox Series X console dressed up like SpongeBob SquarePants, complete with a matching controller. Only one lucky gamer? That’s nonsense. Everyone should have the opportunity to own a SpongeBob Xbox.

SpongeBob has been annoying parents, delighting children, and inspiring teens to meme since 1999. Nearly everyone I know has been touched by this outrageous basal animal clade in some fashion, from my kids to my distinguished elderly parents. Every person who has ever been affected in some way by SpongeBob deserves a SpongeBox SquareSeries X.

By deserves, I mean “deserves a chance to purchase.” I am not saying Microsoft should distribute one of these special consoles to every single person in the world for free. That would be a whole new logistical nightmare on top of the existing logistical nightmare of trying to supply basic Xbox Series X demand amidst an ongoing worldwide parts shortage. I am simply suggesting every Xbox Series X produced come with a SpongeBob wrap by default, giving purchasers the option to remove said wrap if they, for some reason, prefer a plain, boring box.

My beautiful lad (Photo: Microsoft)

Just look at it. It’s perfection. The only custom Xbox Series X console I’ve seen that comes close is the one dressed up as a box of Bojangles’ fried chicken. The only way to improve the design would be to not paint the arms and offer optional magnetic plastic arms and a base shaped like SpongeBob’s legs.

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And look at that controller? Utilising the right analogue stick and the A button to serve as SpongeBob’s eyes is a stroke of design genius. Surely it needs to be appreciated by more than a single sweepstakes winner.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Nonsense (Photo: Microsoft)

Note that I have not mentioned the other custom Nickelodeon All-Star Brawl Xbox Series X console. That’s because it is garbage. They just painted Leo from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ face on the front and a slice of pizza on the side. And what’s that controller? Why does Leo suddenly have a right analogue nose? It makes no sense. That’s why, according to the official sweepstakes rules, Leo is the second-place prize.

The SpongeBob console owns its first-place status, but really it shouldn’t be a prize at all. It should be all around the world, warming store shelves with its pale yellow presence. It might not be the Xbox Series X console we wanted, but it is the Xbox Series X console we deserve.