The Dickhead Has Landed

The Dickhead Has Landed
Screenshot: Blue Origin, Other

Jeff Bezos utterly smashed the Kármán line, the internationally-recognised edge of space 100 km above sea level, at approximately 9:04 a.m. Eastern Standard Time this morning, awarding him the permanent honorific: “astronaut.” As Blue Origin has made sure to clarify ahead of time, Jeff Bezos is now a no-asterisk astronaut (unlike Richard Branson, who only went 85 km in the sky). The Blue Origin’s rocket the New Shepard took off from West Texas. The capsule landed in West Texas 10 minutes and 18 seconds after liftoff. A moment (at maximum, one minute) of this trip was technically in space.

Astronaut remarks could be heard broadcast live from inside the capsule. A voice shouted, “Wooo oh wow wow wow, we get to look out the window!”

And “Yeah!!!”

And “Awesome!”

And “Happy happy happy!”

The reusable booster performed a gentle landing.

“Mission control, Bezos best day ever!” Bezos announced shortly after touchdown.

Leading up to the launch, Blue Origin broadcast a play-by-play from a mock news desk, screening pre-recorded Wall Funk content, reminding us that Jeff Bezos has invited an 82-year-old pilot who’s battled misogyny from space flight gatekeepers. (“That Wally Funk!” the anchor exclaimed.) Blue Origin’s version of a news anchor also congratulated the people of the Netherlands who should be very proud of their “countryman.” Said countryman is an 18-year-old son of a CEO of a Netherlands-based investment firm, whose seat likely cost tens of millions.

Mission Control also broadcast a final farewell: “Now hurry up and get your asses back down here so I can give you a huge hug! We love you. And godspeed New Shepard.” They did indeed get their asses back very quickly, in no less than 40 minutes from the bridge to Earth.

Screenshot: Jeff Bezos, Blue Origin on YouTube, Other Screenshot: Jeff Bezos, Blue Origin on YouTube, Other

Today we can reflect on Jeff Bezos’s achievement, the most trivial and offensive waste of money ever. Including the clock. And now we can all finally say what we’ve been suppressing this whole time: Jeff Bezos rules, Richard Branson drools, Elon Musk is a lying-arse Earth dweller who doesn’t deserve a dime.

Congratulations to the oldest and youngest person to ever travel to space. Also congrats to Mark Bezos.