The Cow Uprising Has Begun

The Cow Uprising Has Begun
Photo: Justin Sullivan, AP

Perhaps weary of America’s gruesome mass-murder ritual, cows across the country have decided to do something else and go somewhere. We can’t know why or where because we can’t talk to them, but the thought process was probably along the lines of: There’s somethin’ happenin’ somewhere. Baby, I just know that there is. Moo.

On Thursday, the Los Angeles Times reported the heartwarming story of one cow who made it to that pasture in the sky. On Tuesday night around 7:30, she reportedly made a break for it, along with 39 others, from a slaughterhouse in Pico Rivera, California. Los Angeles ABC affiliate KABC-TV recounted a dramatic and terrifying two-day chase through suburban streets and artificial quadrants of grass and unfamiliar plants. Pico Rivera City Manager Steve Carmona told KABC-TV that one appeared to charge a baby because “moo,” probably, and a deputy shot it in the head because it’s a man’s world, definitely.

Authorities reported that by 10:20, they’d rounded up most in a cul-de-sac and herded them into trailers.

Except for one girl, who traipsed free until police tracked her down in a park on Thursday! An area animal sanctuary exempted her from having her throat slit while hanging upside down with her comrades!

Her tale is possibly the most successful for this week of cow Logan’s Run. Three like-minded West Virginia cows also broke free Monday evening in Bluefield, WV, where witnesses observed three rogue souls emerging from the woods and jumping on a car, the Bluefield Daily Telegraph reported, before deciding to stage a silent protest on train tracks. The paper reported that it took over an hour for police to corral the cows into a trailer.

Another herd of unspecified size also escaped a cattle truck which rolled over on Interstate 64 on Thursday afternoon in Huntington, West Virginia and fled across a bridge to Ohio, a police dispatcher told the Associated Press. While neither Huntington police nor dispatch were able to confirm the number of cows, a police spokesperson told Gizmodo that locals showed up with cattle trailers to help. They were not aware of what became of the cows.

A dispatcher told Gizmodo that three or four are possibly still loose. We don’t know where they are (except for those who obviously died in the accident, a dispatcher said), but hopefully they’re out there claiming some small patch of greenery in an asphalt hell.