If Pixar Made The Shining, It Would Still Freak Me Out

If Pixar Made The Shining, It Would Still Freak Me Out
Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat

Snapchat has rolled out a new filter that turns users into Disney/Pixar characters, and Twitter has diverted resources into exploring its transformative potential. The movie Heat, fictional serial killer Michael Myers, and sad Ben Affleck all demonstrate that in most cases enlarged Disney eyeballs soften the edges. Naturally, we wondered whether Disney could tone down The Shining, a movie about white male brutality based on a book written on a coke bender.

We made you a storybook to see.

Quick acknowledgment for Justin Pinkney and Doron Adler, independent developers who accomplished a Pixar-ification filter called Toonify last year.

Story Time

Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat

Jack (voiced by Jimmy Fallon) interviews for a job as a winter caretaker at the desolate Overlook Hotel high in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado. Jack’s new employer mentions that his predecessor suffered “cabin fever,” ax-murdered his family, and blew his brains out. By the way, it’s impossible for the cops to show up by car because the road gets snowed in. No problem! [Song: “Cabin Fever!”]

Fun With Imagination

Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat

Let’s meet Danny. Danny (voiced by Justin Bieber), has a finger haunted by Tony (voiced by Morgan Freeman) who predicts the future.

After Danny envisions a river of blood cascading out of the hotel elevator and demonic children, Danny’s mum Wendy (voiced by Ellen Degeneres) tells the doctor that Danny’s dad has a tendency to become violent when he drinks. Jack must stay sober unless he wants a divorce. It’s never too early to learn about conflict resolution. Danny’s mum smokes, in a relatable way.

Screenshot: The Shining/Snapchat Screenshot: The Shining/Snapchat

New Friends

Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat

After showing Danny and Wendy the hotel’s cavernous walk-in meat freezer, Dick the chef (voiced by Hank Azaria), who also possesses psychic powers, tells Danny to stay out of Room 237. What the heck is in there?

New Roommates

Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat

After settling in, Jack appears catatonic and verbally abuses his wife, and we learn about the value of constructive communication. Danny bumps into the twins from the hall, who invite him to stay forever and ever and ever and flash before him as bloodied corpses sprawled out on the carpet.

The phone lines are down at the moment due to the raging snowstorm which will continue throughout the duration of the film. [Song: “Sisterhood Forever”/“Let It Snow, Let It Snow”]

Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat

Good Dads Don’t Kill Kids

Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat

Danny’s dad and his new sidekicks Depression and Psychosis (voiced by Will Arnett and Jason Alexander) also tell Danny that they should stay forever and ever and ever. “You would never hurt Mommie or me, would ya?” Danny asks. Jack says no, of course not, why would he think that? Definitely no.

Bourbonee Doo Dah

Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat

“Oh my God, I must be losing my mind,” Jack tells Wendy after divulging that he’d just dreamed of chopping them up into pieces.

Danny goes into Room 237, reemerges with bruises; Wendy calls Jack a son of a bitch; Jack makes an imaginary bartender friend (voiced by Nicki Minaj) who slips him a bottle of bourbon, and they discuss “the old sperm bank” (Wendy). One of the many problematically accumulating ask-your-parents things.

Bath Time!

Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat

Jack meets a decomposing hag (voiced by Samantha Bee) taking a bath.

To the Rescue

Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat

From a bedroom in Miami, Dick senses that evil has escaped Room 237. Dick calls the hotel and then the park rangers to see if they’ll check in via radio, which Jack has disconnected. Dick boards a flight. But will he get there in time, through a pummelling snowstorm? [Song: “Tickity Tock, Race the Clock”]

Stranger Danger

Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat

After defending his decision to stick it out at the godforsaken hotel, Jack attends a raging twenties gala and meets the previous caretaker who’d turned his family into tartare.

Drats!

Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat

Wendy’s walking around now with a baseball bat. She smacks Jack in the head, he falls down the stairs, and she drags his unconscious body into the meat locker. Wendy attempts to escape with Danny on the Sno-Cat, only to find that Jack has cut the cables.

Learning About Knives

Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat

This movie is pretty spooky!

Don’t Run With Axes

Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat

Jack chases Wendy and Danny around the hotel with an ax. [Song title: “Here’s Johnny!”]

Dick Arrives

Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat

Mister Bear and Friend

Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat

Wendy walks in on a man in a bear suit blowing a dude. She, too, sees the elevator blood tide, and Disney has lost its G rating.

Hide and Seek

Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat

Danny escapes his homicidal dad in the snow-frosted hedge maze out front.

Always Bring a Hat

Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat Illustration: The Shining/Snapchat

Jack turns into a snowman because he freezes to death. [Song: “Let It Go” from Frozen]

The end.