Lovers, this is not the content you seek. Everyone else, please step right in.
Not even a pandemic can free us from having to buy Valentine’s Day gifts, so friends, it is time to consider your options. This list is not for the lovebirds, those with outdoor restaurants (or takeout) already booked for February 14, or anyone simply seeking to pamper themselves with delicious candy or thoughtful presents. Rather, this is a gift guide for those who might want to break up with a significant other without actually saying as much. Reader, we’ve hand-picked every single one of the following gifts with you in mind.
Also, we’re not saying these gifts might be perfect for someone who’s wronged you or conveniently began ghosting you in late January despite spending the entire winter together. Heavens no! But what you do with the following information is your business.
Happy Valentine’s Day from your friends at Gizmodo.
Brief Jerky
That’s right, meat panties. And not only are these underwear made of sweet, sweet meat, they’re also bedazzled. (Custom fitting available, not for consumption.)
Sparkle my giblets, baby. Leather my loins.
Price: $290 at Etsy
Jellicle Cat Classic T-Shirt
Until the Jellicle moon appears
We make our toilette and take our repose
Jellicles wash behind their ears
Jellicles dry between their toes
Price: $26 on Redbubble
Apple TV Remote
Only the best for baby. Actual Apple TV sold separately, but you won’t be needing that.
Price: $89 at Apple
Literal Shit
That’s right, reader. We’re talking literal shit. You can shop it, buy it, ship it. We’re not here to pass judgment.
Price: Varies by faeces at Poop Senders
Cardboard Danny DeVito Cutout
Listen, Danny DeVito is a national treasure. Who wouldn’t want Frank from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia watching them 24/7? Losers, that’s who.
Price: Varies by size because YOU CAN GET A 6’3″ DEVITO but starts at $26 at Celebrity Cutouts
Breast Milk Lollipops
Nothing is as sweet as sucking on mother’s milk.
Price: $10 for 4, $27 for 12, or go ham and buy 36 for $70 at Lollyphile
Pop It Pal
For the Dr. Pimple Popper addict in your life. If they’re popping this, they can’t pop your maskne, can they? This one also comes with refillable pus!
Price: $26 at Amazon
Mail a Potato Face
If you thought they loved you now, wait ‘til they open their mailbox and see you as a spud stud.
Price: $22 at AnonymousPotato.com
Blue Q Cat Butt Gum
Pucker up.
Price: $5 on Amazon
Qiui CellMate Chastity Cage
Yes, this is that infamous dick jail. You know, the one hackers used to ransom innocent penises for Bitcoin. The makers insist it’s ‘safe’ now and they’ve posted a video on how to free an imprisoned peen with just a screwdriver. Buying this might not be wise, but who are we to tell you what to do with your schlong.
Price: Your dignity + $244 for the cage at Amazon. Screwdriver sold separately.