Valentine’s Day Gifts to Ensure You’re Single on February 15

Valentine’s Day Gifts to Ensure You’re Single on February 15
Photo: Adek BERRY / AFP, Getty Images
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Lovers, this is not the content you seek. Everyone else, please step right in.

Not even a pandemic can free us from having to buy Valentine’s Day gifts, so friends, it is time to consider your options. This list is not for the lovebirds, those with outdoor restaurants (or takeout) already booked for February 14, or anyone simply seeking to pamper themselves with delicious candy or thoughtful presents. Rather, this is a gift guide for those who might want to break up with a significant other without actually saying as much. Reader, we’ve hand-picked every single one of the following gifts with you in mind.

Also, we’re not saying these gifts might be perfect for someone who’s wronged you or conveniently began ghosting you in late January despite spending the entire winter together. Heavens no! But what you do with the following information is your business.

Happy Valentine’s Day from your friends at Gizmodo.

Brief Jerky

That’s right, meat panties. And not only are these underwear made of sweet, sweet meat, they’re also bedazzled. (Custom fitting available, not for consumption.)

Sparkle my giblets, baby. Leather my loins.

Price: $290 at Etsy

Jellicle Cat Classic T-Shirt

Until the Jellicle moon appears

We make our toilette and take our repose

Jellicles wash behind their ears

Jellicles dry between their toes

Price: $26 on Redbubble

Apple TV Remote

Image: Apple Image: Apple

Only the best for baby. Actual Apple TV sold separately, but you won’t be needing that.

Price: $89 at Apple

Literal Shit

Image: Emojipedia Image: Emojipedia

That’s right, reader. We’re talking literal shit. You can shop it, buy it, ship it. We’re not here to pass judgment.

Price: Varies by faeces at Poop Senders

Cardboard Danny DeVito Cutout

Image: CelebrityCutouts Image: CelebrityCutouts

Listen, Danny DeVito is a national treasure. Who wouldn’t want Frank from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia watching them 24/7? Losers, that’s who.

Price: Varies by size because YOU CAN GET A 6’3″ DEVITO but starts at $26 at Celebrity Cutouts

Breast Milk Lollipops

Image: Lollyphile Image: Lollyphile

Nothing is as sweet as sucking on mother’s milk.

Price: $10 for 4, $27 for 12, or go ham and buy 36 for $70 at Lollyphile

Pop It Pal

Image: Amazon Image: Amazon

For the Dr. Pimple Popper addict in your life. If they’re popping this, they can’t pop your maskne, can they? This one also comes with refillable pus!

Price: $26 at Amazon

Mail a Potato Face

Image: AnonymousPotato.com Image: AnonymousPotato.com

If you thought they loved you now, wait ‘til they open their mailbox and see you as a spud stud.

Price: $22 at AnonymousPotato.com

Blue Q Cat Butt Gum

Image: Amazon Image: Amazon

Pucker up.

Price: $5 on Amazon

Qiui CellMate Chastity Cage

Screenshot: Qiui CellMate Screenshot: Qiui CellMate

Yes, this is that infamous dick jail. You know, the one hackers used to ransom innocent penises for Bitcoin. The makers insist it’s ‘safe’ now and they’ve posted a video on how to free an imprisoned peen with just a screwdriver. Buying this might not be wise, but who are we to tell you what to do with your schlong.

Price: Your dignity + $244 for the cage at Amazon. Screwdriver sold separately.