If it pleases the court, I submit evidence that on December 2nd, while giving testimony at a Michigan House Oversight Committee hearing, Rudolph William Louis Giuliani farted multiple times.
Representing the president of the United States in an ongoing case to overturn unfavourable election results, Giuliani presented a string of witnesses and unfounded claims at the hearing on Wednesday. Waving binders filled with the legal equivalent of a comment section, the former mayor was ready to move past the recent humiliations of giving a press conference in a parking lot next to a dildo store and sweating hair dye. Rudy was on his game and he came for a fight.
After suffering through about four hours of Giuliani and Co.’s nonsense, Michigan Representative Darrin Camilleri ran down a string of reasons that the election results should be accepted as legitimate and referenced reports that Giuliani is seeking a pardon from Trump as a reason to dismiss his claims. This caused Giuliani to become enraged and to demand that Camilleri suffer consequences for besmirching his reputation. “I will ask that he be disciplined for that,” Giuliani pleaded while letting out a small toot from his buttocks.
The moment came at the 4:11:41 mark in the full video of the proceedings, and it can be seen in the clip below around a minute and 26 seconds in. Hizzoner quite clearly farts and his co-council, Jenna Ellis, looks appalled. As Giuliani dug deeper into his outrage, the smell of his flatulence marinated in his vicinity, and it’s easy to feel a bit of sympathy for Ellis.
Moments later, Guiliani is asked to circle back and answer Camilleri’s question. Rudy deflects with some grandstanding and really lets another fart rip. It’s around 4:12:57 in the full video and 2:38 in the clip below. All the evidence is there. This time, Ellis shoots Rudy a look that seems to say, “if you fart again, I’ll shove your head straight up your farty arsehole.”
Now, Giuliani’s defence attorney might try to argue that someone else in the room farted. That is absurd, and I’m willing to sign 30,000 legal affidavits under penalty of perjury testifying to the fact that I watched the president’s lawyer fart in court on numerous occasions.