Look, I get it. It’s been a profoundly shitty year, and most of us would love nothing more than to get in car, drive up to the wilds of Canada and just let a moose go to town on the car with its tongue, licking that damn thing from bumper to bumper. It’s what we want, maybe what we need. But I’m sorry to say you can’t do it. I know, I know, shut up. It wasn’t my idea, but there’s a good reason.
We know that moose love to lick cars. We even have video evidence of this deep, profound moosely joy:
Oh, yeah. You lick that car, moose. Lick the hell out of it!
Except, wait, don’t:
— Carolyn Campbell (@_CLCampbell) November 15, 2020
So what the hell is going on here? Why do the moose love it so, and why must we deny them this beautiful pleasure?
Well, here’s why, according to a wilderness tour guide named Joe Urie, who spoke with the CBC:
Driving in the mountains soon? Watch out for moose on the road!
When road salt is out, moose can often be found settling in for a snack, says guide Joe Urie. So drive slowly – and don't let them lick your car! pic.twitter.com/Sp9P7vwQmH
— CBC Edmonton (@CBCEdmonton) October 28, 2020
The problem is road salt. Moose love it. According to Urie, the road salt is “kind of like crack” to moose, and if people keep letting moose lick their cars all over, the moose will get more and more comfortable around humans and cars, and that leads to all manner of problems that can end up harming moose, people or both.
So, if a moose approaches your salty car, moist tongue out and flapping, get away. Honk your horn, scare the moose away, drive away carefully. But, authorities are quick to point out, do not try to push a moose away with your car, because that’s a terrible idea.
It’s worth noting that back in 2016 the Canadian government was all for just letting moose lick the shit out of your car. See, everything’s gotten shittier in the past four years, for moose and people.