There are a lot of problems in the country right now, from police shootings of unarmed civilians to a pandemic that has killed over 184,000 Americans. But one man in Lincoln, Nebraska, recently addressed a city council meeting to draw attention to the most important problem facing the world today: boneless chicken wings.
Andrew Christensen, a citizen — nay, a hero — of Lincoln, stood up on Monday to draw attention to the absurdity of boneless chicken wings. Children are being indoctrinated to believe these fowl concoctions are something more than just chicken tenders. And Christensen has had enough with this crime against the English language.
“Lincoln has the opportunity to be a social leader in this country. We have been casually ignoring a problem that has gotten so out of control that our children are throwing around names and words, without understanding their true meaning, and treating things as though they’re normal,” Christensen told the city council.
“I go into nice family restaurants and see people throwing this name around and pretending as though everything is just fine. I’m talking about boneless chicken wings,” said Christensen.
“I propose that we as a city…” Christensen said, before being rudely interrupted with laughter. “Excuse me, I’m trying to… excuse me, c’mon,” Christensen implored the people who refused to accept this as an important issue facing America right now.
“I propose that we as a city remove the name boneless wings from our menus and from our hearts. These are our reasons why: Number one, nothing about boneless chicken wings actually come from the wing of a chicken. We would be disgusted if a butcher was mislabeling their cuts of meats, but then we go around pretending as though the breast of a chicken is its wing?” said Christensen.
Christensen is likely drawing inspiration from other online truth-tellers who have created countless memes about the boneless chicken wing problem. And it’s not going away until people get serious about this issue.
“Number two, boneless chicken wings are just chicken tenders, which are already boneless,” Christensen continued. “I don’t go to order boneless tacos. I don’t go and order boneless club sandwiches. I don’t ask for boneless auto repair. It’s just what’s expected.”
“Number three, we need to raise our children better. Our children are being raised to be afraid of having bones attached to their meat. That’s where meat comes from, it grows on bones. We need to teach them that the wing of a chicken is from a chicken, and it’s delicious,” Christensen said.
Footage from the meeting, which is available on YouTube and the city’s dedicated page, shows just how seriously Christensen takes this issue. He finished his address by floating some potential new names for boneless wings that would more appropriately describe the dish.
“I propose that we rename boneless wings in the city of Lincoln. We can call them Buffalo-style chicken tenders. We can call them wet tenders. We can call them saucy nugs, or trash. We can take these steps and show the country where we stand and that we understand we’ve been living a lie for far too long, and we know it in our bones.”
As some people have pointed out on Facebook, the mainstream media is completely ignoring this very important issue. Rather than immediately take up the problems facing our communities, Lincoln City Council is instead trying to regulate the speech of its constituents. Council members have been accused of censoring Black Lives Matter activists by enacting new time limits at public meetings, but we all know the true targets of their censorship: They’re in the pocket of Big Boneless.
We salute you, Mr. Christensen, a hero for our times, but maybe wear a mask next time when you’re speaking indoors. Boneless wings are clearly the most important issue facing the U.S. right now, but there’s a pandemic going on, which also seems like it could be a problem in your state of Nebraska.
Correction: 2/9/2020, 10:57 p.m. AEST: A previous version of this post misstated the state where Christensen lives. He lives in Nebraska.