As you may be aware, Elon Musk and Grimes have rubbed their space-genitals together over a Tleilaxu Axolotl tank and crafted themselves a human child. That child is now complete, and it’s a little boy, and, contrary to recent rumours, he’s not named Influenza. That would be ridiculous. Don’t be silly. He’s named X Æ A-12.
Yep, X Æ A-12 Musk. Here’s Elon’s tweet letting the world—or at least Colombiana there, who for some baffling reason really had to be in the loop—know the name:
X Æ A-12 Musk
— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) May 5, 2020
I know what you’re thinking: “X Æ A-12? They named him after my grandmother? But that’s a girl’s name!” But let’s not be so hasty to judge. It’s very likely it’s not pronounced like it looks, so let’s see if we can figure out, based on Elon’s love of dorky, Mensa-member pretentious riddles, how this name could be pronounced.
First, I’m going to bet that initial “X” is not a normal “x.” I bet that’s the Greek letter chi, because that’s sort of name-like and this kind of misdirection is right up Elon’s alley. So, let’s start with that.
After that we have everyone’s favourite dipthong (the second sexiest kind of thong) Æ. This ligature is actually named “Ash,” and is an actual letter in a number of Scandinavian languages.
So, I’m guessing the next part of the name is Ash, and I’m going to assume that Elon chose to name him that after Ash, the android from Ridley Scott’s original Alien movie, the one that tried to kill Sigourney Weaver with a rolled-up porno-magazine and then got decapitated and leaked a lot of robo-milk:
So, we’re at Chi Ash. What about that A-12? Well, many are speculating that the A-12 refers to the Lockheed A-12 aircraft, a very cool looking American spy plane from the 1960s that skirted the edge of space, and, given Elon’s interest in aerospace, seems a likely namesake.
So, putting it all together, if you want to yell at Elon Musk’s kid and tell him to stop monkeying around with your car or whatever, I think you’ll need to yell either “Chi Ash Arcangel” or “Chi Ash Cygnus” or “Chi Ash Oxcart!”
Personally, I like Chi Ash Oxcart Musk the best.
Also, before you feel too bad about a kid named X Æ A-12 and potential bullies or whatever, remember that his dad is a billionaire. He’ll be fine. Well, probably a little fucked up, but rich and fucked up, which I suppose is better than most of us get.