Noted Upholsterer Vilner Releases A Very Stupid Press Release

Noted Upholsterer Vilner Releases A Very Stupid Press Release
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I’ll admit that I made the mistake of looking at the Vilner Garage website and seeing the actual people behind the boutique rich-guy car customising outfit, because now I feel a little bad about what I’m about to do, which is shit on this press release they just sent out about a stupid Dodge Demon they customised the interior of. Then again, they have a history of extracting taste from cars via the application of a lot of labour and money, so I guess they know what they’re getting into.

I did like this Trabant they did one time, though.

This time, it’s not so much what they’ve done—which, really, is just slathering the interior of a Demon with a bunch of red stitched leather and carbon fibre whatevers, it’s the painfully overblown way they talk about it in their press release. Here’s how it starts:

The garage door shakens. A second of silence follows and again the noise strikes, this time the vibrance being so strong that you would’ve thought someone was trying to break in. Third time in a row, but this time even the WW2 veteran that was passing by turned his head just to make sure this noise isn’t coming from the memories of the war.

For any other person out there this would have been just a really noise car, but for Atanas Vilner and his team this was a Demon, a real one in fact – head to toe made from steel and gasoline.

First, this is some deeply cringey copy—the passing WWII vet? Ugh. And yeah, I get that English isn’t their first language, but how many years have they been sending English press releases? “Vibrance?” “Shakens?” “A really noise car?”

It gets worse:

“We started by stripping the interior, piece by piece, as if we’ve begun to reveal the true soul of the Demon. Then came the time to dress it up again, not in Prada, but in something that even Mrs. Prada herself wouldn’t have thought of. We had to make sure that just by someone looking at the interior will instantly recognise that there is no other than one of the most powerful engines on earth hiding under the hood, we wanted to show its power even when the car isn’t moving, even when it’s heart is not pumping gasoline at a few thousand RPM’s per second.” – Atanas Vilner says with excitement in his eyes.”

All of this is is eye-rolling, but you really have to appreciate the gift that is “a few thousand RPM’s per second.” Yes. A few thousand revolutions per minute…per second. Bang-up job, Vilner.

Fuck it, let’s read some more:

“Your idea, your car.” One of the many valuable qualities that Atanas Vilner has is that he takes his job really personally – he first will like to get to know you, then to learn some particular details about you that will later help him build an idea, an image, and finally that image has to be impregnated in your car. He takes pieces of your soul and mixes them with the soul of your car. Not an easy process for sure, but the love and time that were put are always seen in the final project and in this particular one you can’t miss it. Almost every detail, part and element was redone. Three souls collide perfectly – the one of the car, its owner and of course Atanas Vilner’s, each taking the necessary amount, as mixed by a professional pastry chef. It’s hard to describe it in words. Sometimes, you have to stop thinking for a minute and just look without asking any questions. Sometimes, magic can’t be explained and in this case all you are left with is that “Wow” moment that holds your breath. It’s the moment when you see a Vilner Garage’s project. It’s this kind of magic that leaves you speechless.

Ugh, please, enough, stop, stop. Sometimes when companies like this use the word “soul” repeatedly when referring to these expensive-arse stupid cars it just makes me want to puke, a little bit. Mixing three souls, like a pastry chef? Get a grip, already. Fuuuuuck.

All of this self-fellating frippery is referring to what was done to the car, which is just this:

All the changes to the vehicle include:

On the outside:

  • Red matte wrapping Demon stickers

On the inside:

  • Seats

  • Coloured Seat belts

  • ArmrestCentral console

  • Glove compartment

  • Doors – interior panels

  • Sunshades

  • Interior roof

  • Carbon details

Just fancied-up interior shit. Who cares, Vilner? Fuck! What do you want from me? I’m only writing about this at all because your stupid press release is treating this like it’s some fucking crowning achievement of the human spirit instead of some dude’s overdone Demon interior!

Why is this getting to me? It shoudn’t matter, right? I should just ignore it, like all those other stupid press releases. And yet I didn’t, and here we are. Fuck.

When are things going to be normal again?