It’s official, everybody: civilisation is on hold. The COVID-19 virus has won, since it has forced the most important human cultural institution, the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile, to cease operations. For most of humanity, our best bet now is to place ourselves into comas until all this shit blows over. We’ll have a few volunteers checking on things, ready to wake us up when conditions are better, and keeping the Wienermobile fleet carefully maintained.
Here was the official notice from the Wienermobile’s twitter account:
We’ve made the difficult decision to cancel currently scheduled Wienermobile events for the near future. The health & safety of our fans, the Hotdoggers & the public is top priority. We look forward to getting back on the hot dog highway as soon as we can. Stay safe everyone ????
— WIENERMOBILE (@Wienermobile) March 12, 2020
Incredibly, it seems that the great Hot Dog Highway will be empty and forlorn. Whatever we do now, in this half-life sans Wienermobile, hardly matters. Until the Wienermobile is back on the road, spreading its message of hope, courage, and tube-shaped meats encased in a yeasty bread-folder, we’re all just killing time.
Sure, lots of events and gatherings and conventions have been cancelled by this cruel lipid-coated ball of RNA, but grounding the Wienermobile is something different. This is the moment that history will look back on and know that this is when shit became real.
May the Great Frankfurter have mercy on us all.