Cawfee cups. Disposubuhl coolahs. Those little trays wit da lids the good halal cart puts ya lamb ova rice in. Whaddathey got in common, besides containinâ€™ some-a lifeâ€™s most precious food items fer consuminâ€™ after a long day in da Big Apple? Nine times outta ten, theyâ€™re freakinâ€™ styrofoam. And not fuh nothin, but whose ever usinâ€™ those is killinâ€™ the goddamn planet.
Thankfully, New Yawk, the bestâ€”and not that anyoneâ€™s askinâ€™ but to me, the only stateâ€”went aboveâ€™n beyon da call-a duty. Cuomo, da govnuh we love ta hate, is proposing we put the ki-bosh on styrofoam once and for all… by 2022 that is.
Weâ€™re talkinâ€™ da afuhmentioned cawfee cups and takeout containuhs, but weâ€™re also talkin packinâ€™ peanuts and otha styrofoam-based materials fuh keepinâ€™ all the crap ya buy online from showing up broken just in time for some yutz to steal off ya stoop. Keep it. Like I needed a Roomba anyway. Whatevah.
While the bozos in Washintun sit around wit their thumbs up their asses, cities states in this big, beaduful country ah increasingly puttinâ€™ da squeeze on some of da biggest sources of garbage (and Iâ€™m not talkinâ€™ about Jersey, unfortunately). Credit where itâ€™s due, those slow-walkinâ€™, kamboosha-sippinâ€™ hippies out in California was onta something with their highly successful single-use idea ourselves. Now personally? I dunno how I feel about a New Yawk with less litter. This cityâ€™s practically built on garbage. But if the suits up in Awlbany say my kid will have aâ€”whachacallitâ€”â€œecologically viralable planetâ€ in 30 years, hey, letâ€™s give it go. Gotta let â€˜em have enough time for a couple divorces like his old man is what I say. Maarooone.
Loathe as I am to paint dis as anything less than the best state in da whole union, but New Yawk ainâ€™t exactly first to da whole styrofoam thing neitha. Maine got that distinction back in May. And ya know, let â€˜em have it. Maine needs this more than us, folks.
Then Vuhmont a month later decided, what-a we, a buncha arseholes? Gettinâ€™ beat by freakinâ€™ Maine?! (Bit of an, er, authorial note heah but ya know they call a soft serve a â€œcreemeeâ€ up there? Four â€œeâ€s and all. God damn savages up there, I tell ya.) So maybe da whole styrofoam ban wasnâ€™t exactly an Empire State idea, but if da ban comes through, itâ€™d be da biggest n best, coverinâ€™ somethin like 20 million schmucks from the weirdos up in Buffalo to my arsehole cousins in Staten.
You think weâ€™re messinâ€™ around? According to a press release from King Govnuh Amazawn Cuomo, â€œviolators will be penalised with a fine starting at $US250 ($362). Second, third and fourth violations will be fined $US500 ($725), $US1,000 ($1,450) and $US2,000 ($2,899) respectively.â€ Two thousand bucks is more than my freakinâ€™ rent!
In summation: New Yawk, despite any arguments or evidence to the contrary, is the best place anyone could evuh hope ta live. You know it. I know it. Fawking A-Rod knows it. And the only things what ainâ€™t welcome here is racists, environmental waste, and Connecticut drivers.