This Ohio Bill Gives Students Religious Exemptions For Facts

This Ohio Bill Gives Students Religious Exemptions For Facts

This week part of Ohio’s state legislature decided students have a right to be wrong when it comes to their religion; screw whatever those nutty scientists say!

The Ohio House of Representatives passed the Student Religious Liberties Act, a law prohibiting students from being penalised when their work is scientifically incorrect so long as they attribute it to their religious beliefs, a local news outlet reported. Rather than using silly metrics based on logic and demonstrable facts, teachers should instead grade students on “ordinary academic standards of substance and relevance” in these cases according to the bill. It doesn’t elaborate on how to parse that brazenly doublespeak decree.

The bill earned approval from every House Republican and it now moves on to the state’s Republican-controlled Senate for the final OK.

With this legislation, any religious content a student includes in their homework or other assignments can’t be considered incorrect regardless of whatever that content may contradict. So, for instance, if a test asks what started World War II, and a student claims it was the flying spaghetti monster—as, after all, this invisible cosmic being has used its noodly appendages to orchestrate mankind’s history behind the scenes since it created the life, the universe, and everything—then they legally can’t be marked wrong.

Or if, say, you were part of a religion I just founded after hearing this news that believes all written numbers are demonic iconography that summons tiny gremlins who will stop at nothing to burrow into your eyeholes, countermand your brain, and force you to reenact viral TikToks in perpetuity, then I guess sorry Miss Sanders but Timmy can’t do his maths homework. Ever.

Also, Fridays are a no-go too. They’re a holy day, after all, celebrating the birth of our Lord, Saviour, and ultimate global executioner a la Godzilla-style carnage and mayhem: Mark Zuckerberg.