The government of the United States of America, and those of individual U.S. states, have collectively determined it is fine to have people who don’t know how to drive large vehicles driving large vehicles. But among us are some heroes, heroes that refuse to accept this state of affairs. They are the hero rocks.
When I first was made witness to the concept of the hero rock, I thought there was only one, a lone good Samaritan selflessly sacrificing itself for the good of society in Omaha, Nebraska. I was wrong.
There is also a hero rock in Columbus, Ohio. And after reading about that hero rock, the good readers of Jalopnik sent in yet more hero rocks, as if a great yet dormant force slowly arose and made itself known. It is the time of the hero rock.
There are in fact many hero rocks. Like the sentient creatures that inhabit this great planet, there is some good out there if you look hard enough, something that’s worth fighting for in this world. And these hero rocks are doing the fighting, raising awareness for (and the undercarriages of) the most ineptly driven SUVs out there.
Let us recognise these hero rocks for their service to our parking lots. And let us also acknowledge some of these hero rocks have been moved by evil humans simply for trying to do their best to help society. These rocks may have been moved, but they have not been forgotten.
So, without further ado, let us remember some hero rocks.
The Target Rock, Colorado Mills Mall, Golden, CO
According to tipster Tyler Johnson, this rock had a distinct taste for white cars. This rock rested outside the Target at the Colorado Mills Mall, which I have been to, and I am confident a rigorous scientific study would conclude is the objectively worst designed mall parking lot in the country and perhaps the world.
Bad parking lots require good rocks, and let me tell you, The Target Rock was a good rock.
Just look at this hero’s work.
Unfortunately, the Target Rock is no longer with us. In February 2017, the local NBC affiliate did a story on the Target Rock which, amazingly, began with a Maya Angelou quote, so they just really fucking went for it didn’t they? Anyways, shortly thereafter, the Target Rock was moved. Here’s a Google Streetview image from May 2017:
Was the rock given an honorable burial, perhaps returned to its ancestral home somewhere deep in the Rocky Mountains? Or was it moved approximately ten feet away to that centre median that now has two rocks? Who can say? The cosmic ballet dances on.
As does the curb-jumping. “People still definitely jump that curb,” Johnson wrote in. “There’s a joke in there somewhere about people in Denver driving SUVs when they don’t actually need them just because they live in the ‘mountains’ (aka they can see the mountains but actually live in the plains) except when they crash them in paved parking lots, but I’m not that clever.”
Don’t sell yourself short, Tyler! You pretty much had it, much in the same way that the Target Rock ensnared SUVs at the Colorado Mills Mall.
Pizza Hut Rock, Roselle, Illinois
This hero rock is, I can only assume, the pride and joy of Roselle, Illinois, because it has its own Facebook page with more than 13,000 likes. Based on the frequency of posts, it looks like this hero rock does its duty roughly every week or two.
Tipster Kevin said the Pizza Hut Rock is “often” featured on the WGN morning show, and I can see why. This rock is a workhorse. Keep up the great work, hero rock of Roselle, Illinois!
Dunkin Rock, Sayre, PA
Dunkin Rock also has a Facebook page, albeit with a much more pedestrian 4,160 likes. But that’s nothing to be ashamed of, because the Dunkin Rock puts in the work where it matters.
Whoever made the Facebook page classified the Dunkin Rock as a “Rock Climbing Spot,” which is truly excellent work.
But if you think being a hero rock doesn’t come at great personal risk, you are not sufficiently respecting the hero rocks:
Remember the fallen hero rocks.
Roxy, Cerritos, California
I’m starting to detect a pattern of behaviour: rock enforces laws, Facebook page is created for rock, town falls in love with rock.
Roxy, as the Cerritos Town Centre rock has been named by its admirers, is a good rock.
Facebook is not allowing me to embed posts from this excellent group even though I can see the posts, because Facebook is a very rational and sensible company. So please do head over to the Facebook group to honour Roxy in all her glory.
Sage Hill Rock, Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Can a Canadian rock be a hero rock? Of course it fucking can, you nationalist scum. Hero rocks adhere to no race, creed, colour, or nationality. They are rocks of the world, they belong to the free soil.
The Sage Hill Rock has previously been featured on Jalopnik, and it was indeed a tremendous rock.
Unfortunately, I must report some sad news about the Sage Hill Rock, from the CBC:
Then, it was unceremoniously removed and dumped behind the bottle depot it once guarded.
And finally, after an outcry from the community, it was relocated to a new home, where it can live out its days in peace, with the appreciation it deserves, safe from oblivious motorists.
The rock’s “final resting place” is next to the little free library at Sage Valley Road and Sage Valley Boulevard N.W., said area resident Brangwyn Jones.
Wait a minute. Does the CBC mean to imply… that the Sage Hill Rock’s senseless demise… is partially our fault? That by bringing international attention and shame to Calgary’s terrible drivers we forced the rock’s removal?
Am I putting these other hero rocks at risk by broadcasting their identities rather than allowing them to diligently serve their communities, which love them back for their sacrifice? Is this blog putting more hero rocks in harm’s way?
Fuck that. These rocks should remain right where they are and allowed to continue their duty. In fact, there should be many more rocks, protecting us from our incompetent fellow community members. The only tragedy about these hero rocks and the fate that shall befall them is that there are not more heroes among us, rocks and humans alike, willing to call out bad SUV drivers as a pox on our society.
When in doubt, ask yourself, my dearest friends: what would the hero rocks do? Should you remember that simple question, you shall never err, and always be on the righteous side of the landscaped median.