'Bad' and 'bougie' aren't two words I previously used to describe myself. Until today. I can now confidently proclaim I embody both of them after gobbling down some fancy KFC in somebody else's Tesla.
I don't want to eat fast food any other way again.
My usual ride is a beaten up Toyota Echo. It gets me places but it grunts and squeals the whole way. So when I was offered the chance to drive a Tesla to visit a KFC store opening in Newcastle, I was extremely grateful to experience a car more expensive than the entire summation of my life. It was actually just the Model 3, the cheapest of the Tesla lineup, equating to around $66,000.
After the world-first drive-through only KFC visit, I was gifted with some KFC samples to try out. Being a drive-through only store, there's not really anywhere to sit and eat. With my choices being the gutter or the extremely expensive Musk-mobile, I chose the latter.
To make the occasion extra special, I decided to head to somewhere nice to enjoy my fried chicken banquet. The KFC carpark wasn't really going to cut it for me.
With the kids buckled in, we were ready to make our way to the nearest beach for the ultimate self-partnered date: Beach Views and Fried Chicken Bites.
When I arrived my KFC was already cold but that didn't deter my spirits. I popped the lid of my Popcorn Chicken and took my first bite. Did it taste any different to eating KFC in my run-down Toyota Echo? Not really... but did I feel different? Yes, because I had transformed into the best version of myself. Upward mobility. A capitalist Cinderella story. True ratchet royalty. Also, the smell of expensive car upholstery infused with fried chicken is one I did not know I was missing in life.
Driving after eating fast food was admittedly a bit of a challenge because my fingers were greasy and I didn't want to tarnish the leather with my pleb hands.
My rollercoaster ride was now done but I remind myself: Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
The author was provided with accommodation and a Tesla hire car by Kentucky Fried Chicken to visit the new store.