Ferrari’s Giant Key Fob Is What Ferrari Buyers Actually Want

Ferrari’s Giant Key Fob Is What Ferrari Buyers Actually Want

There are many reasons to buy a Ferrari if you have immoral levels of cash. Most of them good. They are fun to drive. They are stylish. The incredibly supple leather coddles your bottom like your mamma did when you were a newborn. But those are not the reasons one actually buys a Ferrari.

You buy it for the emblem. And Ferrari knows this, to the extent that an emblem is all its new key fob is.

I don’t know why I keep insisting on thinking Ferrari is actually going to be a subtly classy Brand, but the 2020 Ferrari Roma is actually very sleek and understated in that “I have a lot of money but I kindly am not going to rub my hundred dollar bills in your face until all you see is green” kind of way.

But its key is tacky and stupid and looks like it’s a three-dollar keychain from a gift shop in Maranello because that was the only thing your cheap arse could afford. I refuse to believe this opens a supercar. I refuse.

The photos came from Top Gear Deputy Editor Jack Rix’s Twitter, and, man. What a stupid, chintzy looking apparatus.

This is like that stupid low-quality Vineyard Vines ad that’s currently making the rounds. There’s no way this badge you picked off your kid’s tiny fake electric Ferrari Berlinetta actually opens a luxury vehicle. It looks like it should power an RC car. At the very best, it’s a specially-made fancy-schmancy remote for a Ferrari Scalextric slot car.

I can’t imagine pulling this out of your pocket and feeling like anything less than a giant, giant tool. Oh, this? Why, yes, this is in fact my Sheriff’s badge. You see, the ghost of Enzo himself came to me and told me that I need to flex this logo in front of all you nerds to remind you all that I do in fact drive a Ferrari. Because, y’know, my actual fucking Ferrari that I am about to climb into wouldn’t be enough, I need this tacky looking backpack pin to prove it.

To quote one of the cultural touchstones of the early 2000s: “You’re tacky and I hate you.”