Does Aspark Want Us To Bone This Car Or What

All image credits: Aspark

I had forgotten about Japanese automaker Aspark and its all-electric hypercar, the Aspark Owl, until today. It’s certainly a cool-looking thing with incredibly aspirational performance claims. But besides all that, I have this weird feeling Aspark (or whoever wrote the Owl’s press release) really, really wants us to bone this car.

First, the specs. The production version of the Owl made its debut today at the Dubai International Motor Show today, according to a company press release. The body chassis and many of the other components are made from carbon fibre. There are four electric motors that have the car accelerate from zero to 60 mph (95 km/h) in a claimed mere 1.69 seconds (nice) with an asterisk footnote that states “with road-legal tyre and one-foot rollout.”

That’s all a result of the 2,012 combined horsepower. Top speed is a claimed 400 kph with a supposed range of up to 450 kilometres.

As you can see, the car has swoopy doors and gold wheels that are admittedly very cool. Aspark is only making 50 examples, which will be built in Turin, Italy, in collaboration with Manifattura Automobili Torino. Prices start at €2.9 million (about $5 million).

And it’s only 99 cm tall, so owners could theoretically sneak silently beneath parking lot gate arms. Not that I’m encouraging crime, here.

What Aspark does seem to be encouraging, however, is sexual exploitation with the car. I’ll drop some of the barely restrained press release-speak for you now:

Great [performances] but never shouty: design based on elegance, beauty, femininity.

Oh, yes, the good and reliable “demure woman” trope. Female beauty isn’t about excess noise no, no. It’s silent so the male gaze can wash appreciatively over it, uninterrupted by anything annoying, like nagging.

What does a feminine design even entail? Nubile, pliant haunches? A feral rhythm of desire? Salacious curves that drive the imagination wild? Anything from inside the mind of a male MFA student writing about women who will never date him?

Also, it’s redundant to say the design of your own goddamn car is “based on beauty.” No shit, sweetheart, you’d obviously want to make it as beautiful as possible. Continuing:

The Owl is an hypercar with great performances but never shouty or edgy, capable to convey femininity and luxury feel. In the exterior the volumes are soft, crossed with tensions which bring back all the astonishing power the Owl has.

Ah, thank you for the clarification. Femininity is rooted in softness, such as the soft curves of the female form, the gentle curves of our overwhelming demureness. There is nothing feminine about a hard, rigid, rude object. Ask me how I know.

But there’s also restraint that barely holds back the Owl’s power. But barely, right? The design is straining against that restraint, a weakening attempt to hold back the waves and waves of power. Restraint is sexy, folks. It’s what separates us from our more animalistic urges, for God’s sake. Grow up.

First of all, two external mirrors with camera have been added. They perfectly mix with the charm of the car, maximising its elegant appearance with their feminine shape.

Let me see those goddamn mirrors.

What is feminine about a blobby triangle? I’m really asking because I honestly don’t know. Additionally:

The side glass now is more functional for the driver, thanks to a special know-how of window cutline – used among the others for Lamborghini Countach and McLaren Senna. The final shape is unique, the design is pure, clear, sexy.

Calm your loins, dude. It’s a window. They’re supposed to be clear. And the last I checked, windows aren’t sexy. What’s behind the window, however—a big pile of money, a successful impeachment hearing, etc—can be very sexy. But the window itself is not. Sorry, freaks.

The press release then concludes with this incredibly profound sentiment from Aspark CEO Masanori Yoshida: “The world would be a more exciting place if there were more people thinking about exciting things.” Sure, my man. Strong agree.

HOT SHIT, THERE’S VIDEO.

You’re welcome to read the release for yourself. I found it pretty difficult to get through, personally. The page just sort of started oozing liquid all over my keyboard the further down I got. Don’t slip on your way out.

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