Not everyone is likable. You know it, chances are they know it, but in certain situations you just have to suck it up and buy them some sort of Christmas present. Maybe it’s a secret santa, perhaps you’re related to them, or they got you something and you feel obliged. Maybe you just want to piss them off with a really shitty present.
Whatever the case may be, this doesn’t mean you have to get them something nice, or thoughtful. Here are 12 presents to give the person you hate.
A Phone Case… for the Wrong Phone
Phone cases are very useful, because phones themselves are more fragile than Elon Musk’s ego. So a phone case is actually a very thoughtful gift, because you’re helping someone protect their most important personal possession. Making sure you get a case for the wrong phone takes it down a notch, turning a gift that would be incredibly helpful into a useless slab of plastic – or whatever the hell it’s made from. And the best part is phone cases can be picked up quite cheaply, so you don’t have to rustle up a huge wad of cash for it.
They’re supposed to be comfy, but they look terrible and they’re generally ostracised by the world at large for being terribly uncool. That makes Crocs the perfect shitty gift for anyone you dislike, and there are extra points if they’re the wrong size.
A Personalised Potato
Glitter bombs are a special kind of evil, but there’s a less terrible and more confusing option from the same people. A personalised potato. Pick any message you like, and it will be applied to the potato and sent to the address of your choosing. Maybe it says “Merry Christmas”, maybe it says “twat”, or maybe it says something totally different. It’s up to you, and you might as well personalise it on the person ready to be inflicted with the gift.
Editor’s Note: This vengeful potato will likely be subject to your local quarantine laws, so do your research before ordering.
The Gift of Nothing
I don’t mean not giving a gift, you want to make a point of giving them ‘nothing’. You can literally go online and buy the ‘gift of nothing‘, and there are a few choices to choose from. There’s a plastic casing with nothing in it, or a cardboard case that has “Nothing” on it if you’re a bit more conscious about single-use plastics.
That said you could go DIY, find a box, and write the word nothing on the inside with a permanent marker. Extra points if you take this gift and package it up in several boxes like a demented game of pass the parcel.
A Charity You Know They’ll Hate
Know someone that is an avid supporter of a specific football team? Make a donation to the charity run by that team’s biggest rival. Do you know that one dickhead that thinks breast cancer gets too much attention? Bam, $30 to Breast Cancer Research. Maybe they hate vegans, so you donate money to some sort of vegan awareness charity.
The possibilities are endless, assuming you know this person quite well, and the best part is that they can’t complain without looking like a huge twat in the process.
Anything Shaped Like Poo
The annoying fish on the wall that starts singing whenever someone walks by. This doesn’t need much explanation, because these things clearly only exist to annoy their owners.
Gift cards can be useful, but a partially used gift card is not. Who needs a Nando’s card with $3 left on it? That said if you don’t feel right giving a used giftcard, you can always get a giftcard for somewhere shit. What counts as shit is totally up to you. Bonus points if it’s for a gym, because nobody likes the implication that they need to exercise more.
If they make shitty Halloween treats, then they certainly make shitty Christmas presents. Assuming we’re not talking about a fancy multi-hundred pound electric toothbrush.
Noisy Toys for Their Kids
The ultimate act of passive aggression. Chances are their kids will love this stuff, but the noise will drive the adults mad. You can be safe in the knowledge that the kids will have a great Christmas, while seriously pissing off the people you actually want to make suffer.
This year’s suggestion, this weird-ass llama thing that never shuts up. Officially named the ZURU PETS ALIVE Boppi The Booty Shakin’ Llama, it’s like if a Furby was more annoying and more disturbing. Here’s a video:
That’s made for kids.
Tea Gifts for Coffee Fans, and Vice Versa
People are generally in one camp or another when it comes to tea and coffee. Either they’re big on their tea, or they’re fully dedicated to their coffee. Unless they’re a journalist, in which case they usually just want the caffeine. In any case you can pick up some products designed for the other kind of person. Get the coffee fan a teapot, or the tea fan a french press. Or go tacky and grab a “don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee” product for tea person, and a Yorkshire tea gift set for the coffee guy. There’s plenty of room to be imaginative here, so make sure to put the effort in.
If this person gave you something last Christmas, then your obvious answer is to find that thing and give it back. If you can’t, go out of your way to pick up a new one to give the illusion of regifting.