Actually, The SUV-Defeating Rock Is Good

Image: KETV

Today, my esteemed colleague Erin Marquis ran a blog about a rock in an Omaha parking lot that has claimed multiple SUV victims. The rock, plainly visible in a landscaped median, has been run over by more than a dozen SUV drivers who, some say, could not see the boulder because SUVs have notoriously poor visibility by the front wheels.

To which I say: good for the rock.

Once upon a time, the drivers of these SUVs presumably demonstrated some ability to pilot a motorised vehicle to the satisfaction of a motor vehicle registry test-taker person, granting them a licence to operate a motor vehicle. I will also go out on a limb and say none of them, during that test, jumped a curb and ran over a giant fucking rock. Had they done so, they would have flunked on the spot.

It is also likely that the drivers took their test in a much smaller vehicle, one that did not have gaping blind spots around the wheels that prevents them from seeing a rock many times more massive than a child or dog before running it the fuck over.

These vehicle operators may have proven their proficiency with the DMV in a Civic or whatever, but I hardly see how that has any bearing on their ability to safely operate a 2010 Suburban or 2007 Explorer.

That rock may be an ordinary rock, but like all heroes, it has stood firm in the face of adversity, taken on all challengers and refused to budge. It has accepted its duty as a rock that has been run over by real bad drivers to show the rest of us how many drivers suck arse. It has made it its purpose to demonstrate that a great deal of SUV drivers have no fucking clue what they’re doing and cannot be trusted to drive in public. Like all heroes, it will not back down.

Will we heed the sage boulder’s warning? Or will we silence the rock’s call to a more sensible world, perhaps one where any jackass is not allowed to drive big, stupid cars on public roads just because they feel like it?

Do what is right. Listen to the rock. The rock is good.

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