Here’s How Our Office Thinks They’d Survive Classic Horror Movies

The Ring

Most of us have probably found ourselves screaming at fictional horror movie characters for making questionable decisions every once in a while.

We may even get to the end, feeling like the ones who died got what they deserved being so obtuse about life.

But could we really do any better? Our office certainly thinks so when it comes to these classic horror movies on Stan. And it will soon become abundantly clear which co-workers in the Gizmodo office are getting ditched in the apocalypse or during a casual haunting.

Gizmodo has partnered with Stan to help you survive anything life throws at you.

The Ring

Ah yes, the one where you watch a VHS tape and then a long-haired, dripping wet zombie-girl crawls out of the tele to get you seven days later. The answer to this one seems simple, just don't watch.

How to survive:

Who even has a VHS anymore? Far out, update your technology and just torrent like the rest of us. Christ. - Courtney

Don’t follow clues or try to solve mysteries, you're not Scooby-Doo. - Jae

It's 2019, get a blu-ray player. - David

Watch it here.

Wolf Creek

Wolf Creek

If you're looking for a movie to inspire future interactions with strangers, then Wolf Creek is a doozy. In short? Trust no-one and if you must kill someone in self-defence, do it right.

How to survive:

Don't drive a povo car through the bush. - Shan

Don’t let anyone tow you anywhere. - Melissa

When you (finally) knock the guy down, don't hit him in the back just the once and then run away. Make sure that MF is dead. - Eamon

Watch it here.

Intruders

A home invasion with a bit of a twist. It could be argued that the best ways to avoid any situations we encounter in this movie are to maybe just not enter anyone's private abode uninvited, and on the flipside, upgrade your home security.

How to survive:

Lock the bloody door, ya goose. - Matt

Remember that whole 'do unto others' saying? I think this movie proves the point. - Kassia

Watch it here.

Child’s Play (1989)

We've all at least heard of Chucky by now right? That naughty little doll with a thirst for blood? Sure, it seems unlikely you'll encounter this in real life, but what if it was possible? The toys, or the kids, have got to go.

How to survive:

Don't buy your kid toys. Tell them to go outside. - Georgia

Why did you even buy a doll that looks like that in the first place? Don't do that. - Matt

Don’t have kids. - Steph

That PlayStation is sure looking like the better choice now, isn't it? - Tegan

Watch it here.

World War Z

I put it to you that a zombie-virus plague is completely worth dealing with when it presents an opportunity to snuggle up to Brad Pitt. However, if you don't agree, I suppose you'd better get running. Or just give in.

How to survive:

Just get an STI right away, the zombies don't go for diseased people. - Georgia

Invest in a turret.- Matt

Maybe get some tips from back episodes of Doomsday Preppers. - Tegan

Watch it here.

The Amityville Horror

Everyone loves a good haunted house story, but when it's based on real-life events you should probably take the opportunity to learn as many paranormal survival tips as possible from it. Or, you know, just leave the damn house.

How to survive:

Move out. - Matt

You can’t fight spirits with physical weapons so - if you can’t touch, feel or see it - stop weighing yourself down with them. - Jae

As soon as one messed up, demonic thing happens just burn the house down. Don’t question it. - Melissa

Does sage still work? - Tegan

Watch it here.

From Dusk Til Dawn

Don't you just hate it when you're ready to drink the night away but you pick the only bar exclusively run by vampires? It's a real pickle and the odds aren't in your favour, but a few changes to your life now could help prevent such a scenario.

How to survive:

Use AirBnb. - Adrian

Bathe in garlic, just all the time. You won't find a lover, but you won't have your blood sucked either. - Kassia

I grew up on Vampire The Masquerade series and Anne Rice novels so I say join em'. - Tegan

Watch it here.

Misery

You crash your car in a snowstorm and a kindly-seeming stranger takes you in and nurses you back to health. You can trust them right? Wrong. If this movie taught us anything, it's to grow stronger bones and never trust a fan.

How to survive:

Best to just avoid anything that even remotely looks like Kathy Bates. - Cam

Maybe that woman from Intruders was right about not leaving the house. - Tegan

Don’t become a writer. - Holley

Don’t do anything that might ever garner you a fan of any kind. Also reinforce your ankles with steel. - Steph

Watch it here.

Buried

Even if you're not claustrophobic, waking up buried six-feet underground with no idea how you got there is not ideal. You more or less just have to wait it out and hope someone on the outside finds you, but you can at least try to give them more time.

How to survive:

You only have 90 minutes worth of oxygen - put the bloody lighter out or it's going to be a lot shorter. - Kassia

Just get a job at Maccas or something, you idiot. - Cam

Bring back those safety coffins from the 19th century that were designed to alert people with a surface bell if you'd accidentally been buried alive. - Tegan

Watch it here.

Or, just avoid all dicey situations with this sound advice for surviving scary movies and, frankly, just life in general.

Don't do that one thing that you're curious about. Don't open the door, don't go in the bush, don't watch the video, don't go in the house. Just stay home in bed, the end. - Courtney

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