I Stared Into The Dark Heart Of Tubi And Saw Only Hell

I Stared Into The Dark Heart Of Tubi And Saw Only Hell
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American streaming service Tubi recently launched in Australia, offering up an entirely new range of films and television shows to stream ” all for the low, low price of free. But even at that price, you could not make me watch Tubi’s content offerings. In fact, I’m absolutely convinced that every video on Tubi’s streaming service is infested with demons.

Tubi is, quite simply, hell. It’s a collection of the worst films of the century, sprinkled with some forgotten gems (very rare finds on the service) and every failed knock-off, sidequel and horse movie you can think of. Seriously, there are so many horse movies. And disaster movies. And movies starring Danny Trejo.

Tubi is the worst parts of the DVD bargain bin exposed to the world at large.

Tubi’s entertainment comes from their partners MGM, Lionsgate and Paramount, according to its website. But as you’ll be able to see from their film line-up, it’s clear that they were only given rights to the absolute worst films in these companies’ back catalogues, and ones that we’d all much rather forget about.

This includes the Jon Voight-starring Baby Geniuses franchise, which miraculously sprung out of a film often regarded as one of the worst movies of all time (it holds a 2.6/10 rating on IMDb, but deserves a minus score, if we’re being honest).

It also includes a heap of unruly mockbusters, including Funny Pets 2, a mockbuster that so clearly wants to be The Secret Life of Pets 2, but is instead ” bizarrely ” a series of live action clips of animals interspersed with poor (and brief) CGI interludes.

Somehow, it holds a score of 8.0/10 on IMDb based on 42 scores (likely bots). A single review reveals IMDb user sandrolditta’s true feelings about the film:

Image: IMDb

Rifling through Tubi’s offerings, it’s like the company approached its film giant media partners with begging hands and they went, “hmm,” rifled through the bottom of their trash cans, and pulled out some slimy, grime-stained messes for them to stream.

But Tubi has ways, and it somehow scrubbed the dirt off this eclectic pile of film gunk to create a streaming service that’s large enough to warrant global attention.

Not even Snoop Dogg is immune to Tubi’s very strange and ungodly pull, having starred in the “Tubi Exclusive” 2018 film, Don’t Get Caught, about a man who steals weed from a marijuana farm and then ends up indebted to a gang of hillbilly bikers who are holding his girlfriend hostage. I feel strangely disappointed in Snoop Dogg at this decision, as if he were my wayward son and I needed to guide him towards the light.

This is the kind of high brow entertainment you share company with, Snoop.

Snoop Dogg, please.

People didn’t suffer on the real life Titanic to be put through this mess.

Stay tuned for part three, where the boat is the murderer. With Tubi’s content line-up, I would not be surprised.

After all, this is the same streaming service that features a film about turning a two-storey house into a giant bong. The ‘why’ of the plot is unclear.

Build it, and they will come.

But the good news is that Tubi is up with all of the latest movie trends. Check out the incredible looking Hunger” er… Jurassic Games!

Or The Punisher? Wait… that’s not”

At least Danny Trejo looks like he’s having a good time in this robot-slash-drugs movie. That’s something.

Rifling through Tubi’s content, it becomes clear that this streaming service is a strange and alien new world of poorly-curated content. And I’m not sure it’s a world I ever want to be part of. Enter Tubi at your own risk.