Jeff Bezos Outlines Plan To Colonise Space, Interrupted By Chicken Protestor

Photo: John Locher, Associated Press

This week Amazon is hosting its first Re:Mars conference, a Las Vegas event where researchers, executives, and Tony Stark are discussing AI and space travel. During Thursday’s events, burgeoning evil mastermind and Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos tested out large robotic hands and described his plans to create an infrastructure to colonize space.

First off, here Bezos is with those robo-arms that give the user a tactile sense of touch. Just listen to that sinister laugh at the end. That is some Lex Luthor shit.

Later in the day, Bezos joined Amazon director of forecasting Jenny Freshwater onstage for a “fireside chat” about various topics, including plans for his space company Blue Origin.

“The reason we need to go to space is to save the Earth,” Bezos said, according to TechCrunch, which had a reporter at the event.

“We are going to grow this civilisation—and I’m talking about something that our grandchildren will work on—and their grandchildren. This isn’t something that this generation is able to accomplish. But we need to move heavy industry off Earth.”

Of course, space travel will not save the earth. But Robert Downey Jr. announced his plan to save the Earth using “robotics and nanotechnology” during his Re:Mars opening keynote. Hopefully, with the efforts of both these rich comic book characters, the Earth will somehow be saved.

But if we want to explore and meddle with the universe outside our own planet, we’ll need an infrastructure for doing so, according to Bezos.

“Infrastructure is always expensive,” Bezos said, according to TechCrunch. “Amazon was easy to start in 1994 with a small amount of capital because the transportation system already existed.”

With Blue Origin, Bezos wants to provide a transportation infrastructure for space. “You cannot start an interesting space company today from your dorm room. The price of admission is too high and the reason for that is that the infrastructure doesn’t exist,” Bezos said, according to TechCrunch.

“So my mission with Blue Origin is to help build that infrastructure, that heavy lifting infrastructure that future generations will be able to stand on top of the same way I stood on top of the U.S. Postal Service and so on.”

Of course, this plan for space domination won’t proceed without disruption. In fact, even during the chat, Bezos had to pause to talk about his space schemes when an activist took the stage to yell at him.

“Jeff, please,” the activist said. “You’re the richest man on this planet, you can help the animals.”

Direct Action Everywhere (DxE) took credit of the incident in a press release. The announcement said activist Priya Sawhney attempted to offer Bezos a flower and ask him to speak out against the inhumane treatment of animals at an Amazon chicken supplier and the prosecution of the people who exposed the animal cruelty. According to DxE, Sawhney was arrested following the protest.

Will Jeff take the protestor’s pleas for action to heart? Will the richest man in the world consider the chickens? Only time will tell but we imagine his reaction wasn’t much different than how he responded to the robot arms—marveling at the lifelike sensation of human feeling followed by psychotic laughter.

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